Spousal Abuse

April 3, 2008

There was a story on the news the other day about Representative Sally Kern (R) speaking out at the Capitol, against homosexuality, likening it to terrorism.

"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it's the death knell of this country. I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."

A bit extreme, to be sure. But what I think is a much more serious problem -- and a MUCH BIGGER THREAT to our society -- is spousal abuse. Do we hear the legislators and lawmakers speak out against spousal abuse? Of course not! No one speaks out against that. I have not once in my life heard any person, young or old, Democratic or Republican, male or female, homo or hetero, speak out against the legitimacy of an abuser marrying an abusee.

Those against homosexuality state (correctly) that the Bible condemns it. Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death." They also assert (correctly) that God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman.

True, but God certainly never intended man to abuse his wife either physically, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise. No, he was told to LOVE his wife. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Colossians 3:19 likewise says, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."

But do you hear anyone jumping up and down about what the Bible says about that? Of course not.

My mother was a victim of physical, verbal, emotional, and probably every other type of abuse. She endured years of low self-esteem to the point of feeling suicidal, because she never got any measure of praise from her husband. And you think THAT is not deleterious to society?

She was a good wife to him. We children saw her cook his breakfast and iron his work clothes every morning. We watched as she did laundry, shopped for groceries, cooked dinner, cleaned bathrooms, dusted furniture, vacuumed floors, washed windows -- for seven people. But we never once heard our dad telling her, "This is a great dinner." "You look wonderful." "Wow, the house looks great!" "Why don't you take a nap while I watch the kids." No, we never heard him say those things, but we did hear him tell her, often, that no matter what she did or said, it was wrong.

My mom always tried her best to please her husband. But nothing was ever good enough. She settled for simply not being yelled at.

How did their abusive marriage affect us, the six children? We all got into bad marriages because we had no clear example of what a good marriage should be. We had no idea how to choose a proper mate. My siblings and I each found ourselves married to spouses who were either power-hungry or power-less. We didn't marry equals. We had no idea what being equal meant. Each of us wound up divorced.

Granted, we also learned from our mistakes and eventually found ourselves in healthy, wholesome marriages.

Then of course there are the grandchildren to consider. Nearly all of the grandkids have one or more step-parents. Nearly all of them split their time between two homes, as my siblings and I try desperately to correct what went wrong all those years.

For years I've heard those who protest divorce, saying that couples should "stick together" and "work it out." Christian Fundamentalists cite Malachi 2:15-16: "But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce..."

Where are those protesters when the abusive marriage happens in the first place? Where are the legislators, the lawmakers, the Fundamentalists, when a naive young girl agrees to marry a domineering man? When the husband is abusing his wife (or vice versa)? How can a minister, or judge, or any other person authorized to perform a marriage, do so in good conscience if he has reason to believe, for whatever reason, that the two will not grow together as husband and wife? If he sees that the relationship is anything but healthy?

I don't have answers to any of those questions. But I do think it's time we, as a society, looked at some other facets of the human existence. Sally Kern had some pretty strong words, speaking out against homosexuality. I wonder if she would speak out as strongly against spousal abuse.