Reassessment

July 26, 2007

My 40th birthday brought with it a trip to Philadelphia to see Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, and then to a small town in northwestern Pennsylvania called Titusville to visit my mother's relatives.

It also brought with it a whole new change of mind and attitude! Priorities have been reassessed. I look back to things I wish I'd done differently in my younger years, and, knowing the past can't be changed, I look ahead to how I can make the most of the next 40 years. I wonder where old friends are and wish I'd taken the time to be a better friend to them. I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry to get married the first time. I wonder what my life would be like had I not moved to Oklahoma 13 years ago!

I think about the career path I chose nearly 20 years ago, that of an accountant. I don't regret it; in fact I enjoy it very much. But after 9 months at my current employer, my thoughts move to, "Is this all there is?" I feel I’m not really contributing much anymore. My company is a workers' compensation provider for the State of Oklahoma -- an insurance company. The job is a natural extension of my previous job, accounting for an insurance agency who also manages various insurance companies. After more than 5 years there, there was just not enough work on a CPA level for me to do.

So for the first 6 months at my current job, I was so enthusiastic and thrilled to be here. I wanted to accomplish and contribute so much. I couldn't wait to parlay my experience and skill set into an exciting new job (not to mention, to impress my new boss with what I could do!). But the new has worn off. It all seems so routine now. That’s how I came to feel at my old job. How can I make more meaningful contributions to this insurance company?

Pamela, our new administrative assistant, has lunch in the breakroom (unlike anyone else in the department except myself) so she and I got to talking. She’s only been here a couple weeks but near as I can tell, she’s recently out of college so she’s maybe 25 or younger. She’s got a boyfriend in the Armed Forces. She recently moved over from Santa Fe and has an apartment on the west side of town. She’s a psych major…and we got to talking about drugs and learning behaviors and personality differences and children and school and eventually board games. She likes to read, and thought about majoring in English but what the heck can one do with an English degree. She likes to write and has so many interests. I feel like we have a lot in common, on an academic level. She’s at the age where anything is possible and the roller coaster that life can be hasn’t come her way yet. I remember being young with my whole life to look forward to.

But in just talking to her I remembered how much I once loved school and education and learning. Suddenly I felt so ordinary, working a desk job when so many thoughts and ambitions permeate my mind continually. I mean, I like accounting and I have to make a living. But, if I’d been able to go to college and be a student in my 20s in the traditional manner, how much more could I have done or accomplished? I always had so many interests and ideas and things I wanted to do and learn.

I wasn’t of the sort of family where my parents could or would support me while I figured myself out. I had to buy a car and earn a living. All I thought about was wanting to get married; I always thought Mr. Right would “rescue” me one day and I’d have someone to support me. It took a while for it to occur to me to map out my own life instead of waiting for someone to do it for me. I figured life out the hard way. That’s OK, in retrospect; I’ve learned so many valuable lessons along the way.

All this has brought me to reassess what I'm doing with the life I've been given. Maybe I could take some French classes and expand on the basic bits of the language I learned in high school. Perhaps I could take piano lessons and learn to actually play rather than just pick out notes. I would love to work with young children in some way.

Opportunities are everywhere. I’ve got so much more to offer than I ever gave myself credit for. Life is about so much more than earning a living and paying bills.