April 28, 2008
Probably the toughest thing about being a parent is constantly wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Certainly I can’t be the only mom who has ever wondered if my kids are learning the life skills they’ll need to succeed in life.
Like commitment. Dedication. Dependability.
Nathan’s already wanting to quit guitar – after a mere 3 lessons! And for so long he bugged me about wanting to learn guitar! He just doesn’t like working for something, he wants it to just happen and be easy. Then when I picked him up at his Granny’s house after school, he had the nerve to tell me he wanted contact lenses.
The poor kid inherited my eyesight. All my brothers and sisters, my mom, and nearly everyone on her side of the family, is nearsighted. Nathan’s Dad has never had glasses or corrective lenses of any kind. Of all the better qualities he could have inherited from me, he got my eyesight! He got his first pair of glasses in kindergarten and will be wearing “coke-bottle” glasses by middle school. He would, that is, if technology had not yet invented thin lenses for very nearsighted vision.
I promptly told him that contact lenses require a lot of responsibility and dedication, and I’ve never seen him committed or dedicated to anything. Case in point, the guitar. Too, he wanted to learn karate last year, then got tired of it after 6 months. And he’s in danger of failing his reading class because he can’t commit himself to reading a library book.
So, what is he going to do, after taking care of contact lenses for a week, say he’s tired of it and wants to go back to glasses? Nope, not gonna happen.
The other day he said everyone in his class has a cell phone except him, and today it was everybody’s got a Wii except him. Well, to that I say, too bad; be grateful for what you do have. Nathan doesn’t even keep his homework done most of the time, then lies about it. Since he was a toddler I’ve tried to teach him, if you don’t show responsibility then I can’t give you any privileges.
I’m frustrated that I can’t spend enough time to Nathan and pay attention to his schooling and stuff, like I ought to and like I WANT to. I guess I'm a victim of my generation! Why is it that as parents of our generation, we constantly feel guilty that we can't do everything perfectly?
I shouldn't feel guilty; I have to work. I’m a single parent, so that part of my life is non-negotiable. When he was younger we would create eggshell mosaics or make homemade silly putty. We used to go to parks, museums, concerts and plays (family-friendly, of course). We would play board games like Mancala or Chess or Monopoly.
Suddenly everything changed and it was no longer “cool” to hang out with Mom. When he was 8 I’d give him his bath and read to him afterward! When he was 9 he took a shower BY HIMSELF and I was not allowed in the bathroom with him. I knew that one day he’d start pushing me away.
I feel so distanced from him now.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot how that life is going by just too fast. Nathan will be finishing up 5th grade next month and will be a big middle-schooler next year. He’ll only be there 3 years before he enters high school. Three years is nothing. I barely remember 2nd grade in Mrs. Laramie’s room. Third, fourth, and fifth grades have flown by. Life is a jumble of the 5-day a week work routine, looking forward to resting each weekend, paying bills and looking forward to the next payday.
Life needs to slow down. I’m missing too much.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I Talked to Tim Today
April 23, 2008Mom called a few weeks ago with the most unbelievable news: she got a phone call from Tim!
He called our parents from the Emergency Housing Group in Middletown, NY. I looked it up on the web, and it’s like a homeless shelter, but also like a rehab center. I hate to think of my brother as “homeless,” but I’m just so glad he’s OK and he’s alive and well and taken care of. We got an address, a phone number, even the name of his counselor. So we know it’s for real and not just some ruse.
I’m just speechless – and in tears. Wow wow wow. I last saw my bro 7 years ago; he was living in Florida in a small town called De Leon Springs, north of Orlando and west of Daytona. He was a hired-hand at a stable for standardbred horses at Spring Garden Ranch.
I visited Tim for a few days one January after a work-related training conference in Orlando. The weather in central Florida was sunny and mild, around 75°, and the skies were blue. Live oaks reached for the sky like skyscrapers, and the breezes rustled gently through their leaves. The small town of De Leon Springs, and neighboring DeLand, were quiet and peaceful. I felt I could leave Oklahoma and move there without a second thought. Anyway, that was the last time I saw my brother.
Tim is 7 years older than me, so I didn’t really know him that well while we were growing up. He was nearly in high school by the time I started first grade. Mostly I just remember that he played trumpet in the school band, and that he liked to hunt and fish. Our dad would take the boys fishing and hunting, and Tim became an avid fan of both sports. I remember my first – and probably my last – fishing trip, when I was about 8 years old, at Mill Creek not far from our house. I had trouble reeling my fish in so Tim would help me out.
Tim was sneaky and constantly getting into trouble. I remember one day in 3rd grade, I was riding the bus with my neighborhood friend Becky. Becky sat near the window and I near the aisle. She saw Tim outside walking, and waved. He would have been 15, in 10th grade. Well, apparently he didn’t see me sitting next to her, because he waved back – with a cigarette in his hand. Being the “good girl” that I was – not to mention the snitchy kid sister -- I promptly went home and told our mom! The minute he walked in the door she smelled his hands for smoke and announced that she knew he’d been smoking. He didn’t know how she knew. “Do you have eyes in the back of your head?” he asked her.
Tim was smart, but lazy. No, not really lazy. He was a free spirit. He lived by his own rules. If he didn’t feel like going to school, he wouldn’t. He spent 3 years in 12th grade but still didn’t graduate. Finally he took the GED, and got his diploma.
He lived in Pennsylvania with our grandparents for a while after high school. Grandma sent him back home after just a few months, saying they couldn’t support him anymore. “He drinks Mountain Dew like it’s going out of style,” I heard her say. That, and he was growing marijuana in his bedroom. He told Grandpa it was Japanese tomatoes.
So Tim came home and moved back into his downstairs bedroom. It was thereafter that we became buds. I was a young lady by then, 14 or 15, starting to like boys, think about my future, and take life a little more seriously than before.
I think that every girl needs a father to love her and hug her and pay attention to her and listen to her as she talks out the trials and tribulations of being a teenager. Our father was emotionally absent, and though we didn't realize it at the time, Tim became a "surrogate father" to my sisters and myself after he moved back home. He would let us watch him get gussied up on Friday and Saturday nights before he went partying. Sometimes he’d bring his friends home. We were always buddies with Tim’s friends. In retrospect, that’s a little weird, but we just needed attention, that’s all. They were like big brothers to us. And Tim hugged us, talked to us, let us in his room – he paid attention to us.
Tim was a character. Sometime in his 20’s he was caught driving on a revoked license and was legally forbidden to drive for 5 years. So I drove him around in my little Ford Escort. I’d take him to run his errands (go to the bank, pick up groceries, or whatever) and he’d buy us dinner then fill up my gas tank. Then, I’d drop him off at one of his pool halls: The Office. The 8-Ball. The Sportsman.
Sure, he was a drinker, just like our dad. He drank, smoked, hung out at clubs or smoky pool halls, and who knows what else. I remember him coming home from clubbing weekends, late into the next morning, drunk as a skunk. He was a wild one. But he was my bro.
Tim worked as a machinist at Latex Equipment for several years. He always came home smelling of smoke and metal shavings. To this day I still associate those smells with him. When I was in college he quit work at Latex Equipment – or was he fired for truancy? I don't remember.
He got a job with Patterson Stables on the north side of town. That was his first foray into the horse-racing business. He lived in a trailer with another hired hand we called “Smokey.” Tim would leave town from April to November to race in Louisville, Lexington, the Poconos, New Jersey. But during the winter months I’d visit him and Smokey there at the farm at least once a week.
Eventually he quit coming back into town during the winter, and that's when we lost track of him. I was in my mid-twenties. He wouldn’t call or even drop a postcard in the mail to let us know where he was. Somehow my mom was able to – as moms have a way of doing – keep a vague track of where he was and when. And somehow we knew that he was living in De Leon Springs, FL, 7 years ago.
We didn’t have a clue what had happened to him since then, until my parents got his phone call a few weeks ago from the shelter. His days of irresponsibility and making less-than-ideal choices must have finally led him to rock-bottom.
I called him, there at the shelter. He sounds different. It was good to hear him and just to know that he's OK. I'm glad to know he’s making changes in his life. He said when he went to the hospital in January, he was just 130 lbs. Tim is 6’3”! He must have been skin and bone! He’s up to 167 now, which is much better, although he did say it was what he weighed when he was 18 (he’s nearly 50 now).
I think I’ll write him a letter, and get him up to date and what’s been going on in my life since that visit to De Leon Springs. I’ll send him some pictures of his grown-up kid sister, and his 12-year old nephew whom he has never seen. After so many years of not knowing whether he is dead or alive, we finally know he is alive and well. In his own way, my wayward brother has come back to us.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Why I've Never Been on an Easter Egg Hunt
April 10, 2008
I’ve never been on an Easter-egg hunt.
The Bradford pears are blooming their white linen, the redbuds are dotted with their purple-pink, and the earth is sprouting daffodil-yellow. It must be Spring! I love this time of year, when the earth thaws out and begins to show its colors again.
But I don’t associate the season with Easter or sunrise services or memories of easter-egg hunts, as most Christian-oriented people do. I grew up in a church which, instead, observed the Old-Testament rituals of unleavened bread. We were non-denominational – not Jewish, not Seventh-Day Adventist, not Jehovah’s Witness. But still we spurned the Easter celebration as having pagan origins.
We celebrated the Passover, a commemoration of the ancient time described in Exodus 12, when God struck all the firstborn in Egypt, save for those Israelite homes who had the blood of the lamb on their doorposts. Of course the blood of the lamb was a precursor to Christ’s blood, which would one day be shed to save God’s modern-day people from eternal death.
Let me pause here to add, this is not meant to be a particularly religious or “preachy” piece. I’m certainly not out to convert anyone, or accuse anyone. This is simply a progression of thoughts as I, as an adult, reason, think through, and question a teaching of my childhood.
Because verse 14 of Exodus 12 tells the Israelites to keep this feast “throughout your generations,” “as an everlasting ordinance,” our church followed the instructions in Exodus 12 (and reiterated in chapter 13) to remove leaven from our homes and to eat unleavened bread for seven days. As churchmembers we would do a mad-spring cleaning to “put leaven out of our lives.” Leaven – which is generally found in breads, cakes, piecrusts, cookies, hamburger buns, pizza crusts, crackers, and numerous other common foods – symbolized “sin” at this time of year for us.
When the Israelites fled Egypt (verses 31-40 of Exodus 12), “Egypt” pictured sin, and of course the Israelites were God’s chosen people, so just as the Israelites fled Egypt, we as modern day Christians are to flee sin. And as churchmembers we were to put leaven (“sin”) out of our lives for seven days.
And not just by throwing out all breads, crackers, and cookies from our homes! We went so far as to clean our toasters, because crumbs of leaven lurked in there, too, just as sin can lurk in places in ourselves that we don’t think to look. We were not to eat of anything leavened, at home or anyplace, neither were we to have any leavened products in our house.
This was to occur for seven consecutive days, and generally fell around the time of Easter. I’ll mention here that the Bible makes no mention of easter eggs or bunnies or anything of the sort. Because my church strove to live by God’s Word in every way possible, we did not condone such things and thus, I never hunted easter eggs as a child.
Recently I got this set of oh-so-funny Easter cartoons from my sister-in-law. I forwarded them to many of my friends, including one of our girls who observes the Jewish faith. I asked if the Jewish celebrated Easter -- which I knew they didn't, but sometimes mainstream holidays seep their way into non-mainstream churches.
So of course she replied that they don't; they celebrate the Passover which pictures the Exodus from Egypt. Well, I knew all about that, but it got me to thinking about the Council of Nicaea, which was the big council that decided on which days to celebrate. I needed to understand as an ADULT, and not just a child following my mom’s religion, the truth behind the history of Passover vs. Easter.
I found a section at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea, which describes the transition from the Hebrew Passover to the Christian Easter in a way that I hadn’t thought of before. When I read it, my first thoughts were, they're openly ADMITTING that they changed the day of celebration of the resurrection. Then I realized that they changed the day of the CHRISTIAN holiday -- and the Jews weren't Christians. Our church kept the JEWISH holydays, all the while passing off the “christian" traditions of Easter as "pagan."
This passage helped me realize why there was such disagreement between the days in the first place. The Christians were setting themselves apart from the Jews: ‘The council assumed the task of regulating these differences, in part because some dioceses were determined not to have Christian Passover correspond with the Jewish calendar. "The feast of the resurrection was thenceforth required to be celebrated everywhere on a Sunday, and never on the day of the Jewish passover, but always after the fourteenth of Nisan, on the Sunday after the first vernal full moon. The leading motive for this regulation was opposition to Judaism, which had dishonored the passover by the crucifixion of the Lord." Constantine wrote that: "… it appeared an unworthy thing that in the celebration of this most holy feast we should follow the practice of the Jews, who have impiously defiled their hands with enormous sin, and are, therefore, deservedly afflicted with blindness of soul. … Let us then have nothing in common with the detestable Jewish crowd; for we have received from our Saviour a different way." Theodoret recorded the Emperor as saying: "It was, in the first place, declared improper to follow the custom of the Jews in the celebration of this holy festival, because, their hands having been stained with crime, the minds of these wretched men are necessarily blinded. … Let us, then, have nothing in common with the Jews, who are our adversaries. … avoiding all contact with that evil way. … who, after having compassed the death of the Lord, being out of their minds, are guided not by sound reason, but by an unrestrained passion, wherever their innate madness carries them. … a people so utterly depraved. … Therefore, this irregularity must be corrected, in order that we may no more have any thing in common with those parricides and the murderers of our Lord. … no single point in common with the perjury of the Jews."’
This made so much sense to me. My church had never explained in quite this way, and it left me undecided. And where did easter eggs and bunnies come from in the first place? I’d been taught relentlessly as a child, that Easter originated from worship of the fertility goddess Ishtar, and that rabbits and eggs were pagan symbols of new life. But could this be documented?
I googled “easter” in search of its origins. A Catholic site, http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05224d.htm, mentions this: “ The English term, according to the Ven. Bede relates to Estre, a Teutonic goddess of the rising light of day and spring…” The site, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_Bunny, states, “The rabbit as an Easter symbol seems to have its origins in Germany, where it was first mentioned in German writings in the 1500s,” and, “Eggs, like rabbits and hares, are fertility symbols of extreme antiquity.” The goddess Eostre is cited, and following that link, I read that the Benedictine monk Bede associated Eostre and Eostur-monath with the month of April; according to Bede, Eostre’s festival was celebrated in the spring.
Another site documenting the origins of Easter (specifically the Christian Easter vs. the Jewish Passover), echoes this, and goes on to say, “…scholars actually believe that the festival has its roots in a number of pre-Christian faiths, including Pagan and Jewish. For example, historians believe that the word Easter is derived from the Saxon name of the Pagan goddess of spring and fertility, Eastre. The lunar calendar month of April was dedicated to a celebration of Eastre, featuring rituals to mark the vernal equinox and welcome the fertility associated with springtime. Many of these Pagan traditions have been incorporated into Christianity's celebration of Easter today. The Easter bunny and Easter eggs, for instance, are both Pagan symbols of fertility.” (http://www.holidays.net/easter/story.htm)
(By the way, I googled Ishtar, and she seems to be a completely different goddess than the one for whom Easter is named).
I’m sure there are numerous more sites I could research. But what I’ve found is enough to believe that yes, the celebration we know today as “Easter” does indeed have non-christian origins. The controversy of Passover vs. Easter did indeed divide Christ’s early followers. But does this mean that Christians are not to celebrate easter but to keep Passover and the Days of Unleavened Bread, as outlined in the Old Testament? No, I don’t believe so.
What I do believe is that there is no “one size fits all.” I believe in questioning convention and traditions. We each have to make our own decisions based on facts, and live as we are convicted to believe.
I’ve never been on an Easter-egg hunt.
The Bradford pears are blooming their white linen, the redbuds are dotted with their purple-pink, and the earth is sprouting daffodil-yellow. It must be Spring! I love this time of year, when the earth thaws out and begins to show its colors again.
But I don’t associate the season with Easter or sunrise services or memories of easter-egg hunts, as most Christian-oriented people do. I grew up in a church which, instead, observed the Old-Testament rituals of unleavened bread. We were non-denominational – not Jewish, not Seventh-Day Adventist, not Jehovah’s Witness. But still we spurned the Easter celebration as having pagan origins.
We celebrated the Passover, a commemoration of the ancient time described in Exodus 12, when God struck all the firstborn in Egypt, save for those Israelite homes who had the blood of the lamb on their doorposts. Of course the blood of the lamb was a precursor to Christ’s blood, which would one day be shed to save God’s modern-day people from eternal death.
Let me pause here to add, this is not meant to be a particularly religious or “preachy” piece. I’m certainly not out to convert anyone, or accuse anyone. This is simply a progression of thoughts as I, as an adult, reason, think through, and question a teaching of my childhood.
Because verse 14 of Exodus 12 tells the Israelites to keep this feast “throughout your generations,” “as an everlasting ordinance,” our church followed the instructions in Exodus 12 (and reiterated in chapter 13) to remove leaven from our homes and to eat unleavened bread for seven days. As churchmembers we would do a mad-spring cleaning to “put leaven out of our lives.” Leaven – which is generally found in breads, cakes, piecrusts, cookies, hamburger buns, pizza crusts, crackers, and numerous other common foods – symbolized “sin” at this time of year for us.
When the Israelites fled Egypt (verses 31-40 of Exodus 12), “Egypt” pictured sin, and of course the Israelites were God’s chosen people, so just as the Israelites fled Egypt, we as modern day Christians are to flee sin. And as churchmembers we were to put leaven (“sin”) out of our lives for seven days.
And not just by throwing out all breads, crackers, and cookies from our homes! We went so far as to clean our toasters, because crumbs of leaven lurked in there, too, just as sin can lurk in places in ourselves that we don’t think to look. We were not to eat of anything leavened, at home or anyplace, neither were we to have any leavened products in our house.
This was to occur for seven consecutive days, and generally fell around the time of Easter. I’ll mention here that the Bible makes no mention of easter eggs or bunnies or anything of the sort. Because my church strove to live by God’s Word in every way possible, we did not condone such things and thus, I never hunted easter eggs as a child.
Recently I got this set of oh-so-funny Easter cartoons from my sister-in-law. I forwarded them to many of my friends, including one of our girls who observes the Jewish faith. I asked if the Jewish celebrated Easter -- which I knew they didn't, but sometimes mainstream holidays seep their way into non-mainstream churches.
So of course she replied that they don't; they celebrate the Passover which pictures the Exodus from Egypt. Well, I knew all about that, but it got me to thinking about the Council of Nicaea, which was the big council that decided on which days to celebrate. I needed to understand as an ADULT, and not just a child following my mom’s religion, the truth behind the history of Passover vs. Easter.
I found a section at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea, which describes the transition from the Hebrew Passover to the Christian Easter in a way that I hadn’t thought of before. When I read it, my first thoughts were, they're openly ADMITTING that they changed the day of celebration of the resurrection. Then I realized that they changed the day of the CHRISTIAN holiday -- and the Jews weren't Christians. Our church kept the JEWISH holydays, all the while passing off the “christian" traditions of Easter as "pagan."
This passage helped me realize why there was such disagreement between the days in the first place. The Christians were setting themselves apart from the Jews: ‘The council assumed the task of regulating these differences, in part because some dioceses were determined not to have Christian Passover correspond with the Jewish calendar. "The feast of the resurrection was thenceforth required to be celebrated everywhere on a Sunday, and never on the day of the Jewish passover, but always after the fourteenth of Nisan, on the Sunday after the first vernal full moon. The leading motive for this regulation was opposition to Judaism, which had dishonored the passover by the crucifixion of the Lord." Constantine wrote that: "… it appeared an unworthy thing that in the celebration of this most holy feast we should follow the practice of the Jews, who have impiously defiled their hands with enormous sin, and are, therefore, deservedly afflicted with blindness of soul. … Let us then have nothing in common with the detestable Jewish crowd; for we have received from our Saviour a different way." Theodoret recorded the Emperor as saying: "It was, in the first place, declared improper to follow the custom of the Jews in the celebration of this holy festival, because, their hands having been stained with crime, the minds of these wretched men are necessarily blinded. … Let us, then, have nothing in common with the Jews, who are our adversaries. … avoiding all contact with that evil way. … who, after having compassed the death of the Lord, being out of their minds, are guided not by sound reason, but by an unrestrained passion, wherever their innate madness carries them. … a people so utterly depraved. … Therefore, this irregularity must be corrected, in order that we may no more have any thing in common with those parricides and the murderers of our Lord. … no single point in common with the perjury of the Jews."’
This made so much sense to me. My church had never explained in quite this way, and it left me undecided. And where did easter eggs and bunnies come from in the first place? I’d been taught relentlessly as a child, that Easter originated from worship of the fertility goddess Ishtar, and that rabbits and eggs were pagan symbols of new life. But could this be documented?
I googled “easter” in search of its origins. A Catholic site, http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05224d.htm, mentions this: “ The English term, according to the Ven. Bede relates to Estre, a Teutonic goddess of the rising light of day and spring…” The site, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_Bunny, states, “The rabbit as an Easter symbol seems to have its origins in Germany, where it was first mentioned in German writings in the 1500s,” and, “Eggs, like rabbits and hares, are fertility symbols of extreme antiquity.” The goddess Eostre is cited, and following that link, I read that the Benedictine monk Bede associated Eostre and Eostur-monath with the month of April; according to Bede, Eostre’s festival was celebrated in the spring.
Another site documenting the origins of Easter (specifically the Christian Easter vs. the Jewish Passover), echoes this, and goes on to say, “…scholars actually believe that the festival has its roots in a number of pre-Christian faiths, including Pagan and Jewish. For example, historians believe that the word Easter is derived from the Saxon name of the Pagan goddess of spring and fertility, Eastre. The lunar calendar month of April was dedicated to a celebration of Eastre, featuring rituals to mark the vernal equinox and welcome the fertility associated with springtime. Many of these Pagan traditions have been incorporated into Christianity's celebration of Easter today. The Easter bunny and Easter eggs, for instance, are both Pagan symbols of fertility.” (http://www.holidays.net/easter/story.htm)
(By the way, I googled Ishtar, and she seems to be a completely different goddess than the one for whom Easter is named).
I’m sure there are numerous more sites I could research. But what I’ve found is enough to believe that yes, the celebration we know today as “Easter” does indeed have non-christian origins. The controversy of Passover vs. Easter did indeed divide Christ’s early followers. But does this mean that Christians are not to celebrate easter but to keep Passover and the Days of Unleavened Bread, as outlined in the Old Testament? No, I don’t believe so.
What I do believe is that there is no “one size fits all.” I believe in questioning convention and traditions. We each have to make our own decisions based on facts, and live as we are convicted to believe.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Spousal Abuse
April 3, 2008
There was a story on the news the other day about Representative Sally Kern (R) speaking out at the Capitol, against homosexuality, likening it to terrorism.
"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it's the death knell of this country. I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."
A bit extreme, to be sure. But what I think is a much more serious problem -- and a MUCH BIGGER THREAT to our society -- is spousal abuse. Do we hear the legislators and lawmakers speak out against spousal abuse? Of course not! No one speaks out against that. I have not once in my life heard any person, young or old, Democratic or Republican, male or female, homo or hetero, speak out against the legitimacy of an abuser marrying an abusee.
Those against homosexuality state (correctly) that the Bible condemns it. Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death." They also assert (correctly) that God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman.
True, but God certainly never intended man to abuse his wife either physically, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise. No, he was told to LOVE his wife. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Colossians 3:19 likewise says, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."
But do you hear anyone jumping up and down about what the Bible says about that? Of course not.
My mother was a victim of physical, verbal, emotional, and probably every other type of abuse. She endured years of low self-esteem to the point of feeling suicidal, because she never got any measure of praise from her husband. And you think THAT is not deleterious to society?
She was a good wife to him. We children saw her cook his breakfast and iron his work clothes every morning. We watched as she did laundry, shopped for groceries, cooked dinner, cleaned bathrooms, dusted furniture, vacuumed floors, washed windows -- for seven people. But we never once heard our dad telling her, "This is a great dinner." "You look wonderful." "Wow, the house looks great!" "Why don't you take a nap while I watch the kids." No, we never heard him say those things, but we did hear him tell her, often, that no matter what she did or said, it was wrong.
My mom always tried her best to please her husband. But nothing was ever good enough. She settled for simply not being yelled at.
How did their abusive marriage affect us, the six children? We all got into bad marriages because we had no clear example of what a good marriage should be. We had no idea how to choose a proper mate. My siblings and I each found ourselves married to spouses who were either power-hungry or power-less. We didn't marry equals. We had no idea what being equal meant. Each of us wound up divorced.
Granted, we also learned from our mistakes and eventually found ourselves in healthy, wholesome marriages.
Then of course there are the grandchildren to consider. Nearly all of the grandkids have one or more step-parents. Nearly all of them split their time between two homes, as my siblings and I try desperately to correct what went wrong all those years.
For years I've heard those who protest divorce, saying that couples should "stick together" and "work it out." Christian Fundamentalists cite Malachi 2:15-16: "But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce..."
Where are those protesters when the abusive marriage happens in the first place? Where are the legislators, the lawmakers, the Fundamentalists, when a naive young girl agrees to marry a domineering man? When the husband is abusing his wife (or vice versa)? How can a minister, or judge, or any other person authorized to perform a marriage, do so in good conscience if he has reason to believe, for whatever reason, that the two will not grow together as husband and wife? If he sees that the relationship is anything but healthy?
I don't have answers to any of those questions. But I do think it's time we, as a society, looked at some other facets of the human existence. Sally Kern had some pretty strong words, speaking out against homosexuality. I wonder if she would speak out as strongly against spousal abuse.
There was a story on the news the other day about Representative Sally Kern (R) speaking out at the Capitol, against homosexuality, likening it to terrorism.
"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it's the death knell of this country. I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."
A bit extreme, to be sure. But what I think is a much more serious problem -- and a MUCH BIGGER THREAT to our society -- is spousal abuse. Do we hear the legislators and lawmakers speak out against spousal abuse? Of course not! No one speaks out against that. I have not once in my life heard any person, young or old, Democratic or Republican, male or female, homo or hetero, speak out against the legitimacy of an abuser marrying an abusee.
Those against homosexuality state (correctly) that the Bible condemns it. Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death." They also assert (correctly) that God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman.
True, but God certainly never intended man to abuse his wife either physically, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise. No, he was told to LOVE his wife. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Colossians 3:19 likewise says, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."
But do you hear anyone jumping up and down about what the Bible says about that? Of course not.
My mother was a victim of physical, verbal, emotional, and probably every other type of abuse. She endured years of low self-esteem to the point of feeling suicidal, because she never got any measure of praise from her husband. And you think THAT is not deleterious to society?
She was a good wife to him. We children saw her cook his breakfast and iron his work clothes every morning. We watched as she did laundry, shopped for groceries, cooked dinner, cleaned bathrooms, dusted furniture, vacuumed floors, washed windows -- for seven people. But we never once heard our dad telling her, "This is a great dinner." "You look wonderful." "Wow, the house looks great!" "Why don't you take a nap while I watch the kids." No, we never heard him say those things, but we did hear him tell her, often, that no matter what she did or said, it was wrong.
My mom always tried her best to please her husband. But nothing was ever good enough. She settled for simply not being yelled at.
How did their abusive marriage affect us, the six children? We all got into bad marriages because we had no clear example of what a good marriage should be. We had no idea how to choose a proper mate. My siblings and I each found ourselves married to spouses who were either power-hungry or power-less. We didn't marry equals. We had no idea what being equal meant. Each of us wound up divorced.
Granted, we also learned from our mistakes and eventually found ourselves in healthy, wholesome marriages.
Then of course there are the grandchildren to consider. Nearly all of the grandkids have one or more step-parents. Nearly all of them split their time between two homes, as my siblings and I try desperately to correct what went wrong all those years.
For years I've heard those who protest divorce, saying that couples should "stick together" and "work it out." Christian Fundamentalists cite Malachi 2:15-16: "But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce..."
Where are those protesters when the abusive marriage happens in the first place? Where are the legislators, the lawmakers, the Fundamentalists, when a naive young girl agrees to marry a domineering man? When the husband is abusing his wife (or vice versa)? How can a minister, or judge, or any other person authorized to perform a marriage, do so in good conscience if he has reason to believe, for whatever reason, that the two will not grow together as husband and wife? If he sees that the relationship is anything but healthy?
I don't have answers to any of those questions. But I do think it's time we, as a society, looked at some other facets of the human existence. Sally Kern had some pretty strong words, speaking out against homosexuality. I wonder if she would speak out as strongly against spousal abuse.
Fiasco, Continued
March 24, 2008 continued
Our new memory-foam mattress was to be delivered, we were promised, between 1:00 and 3:00 the next day -- Saturday. Fantastic, I thought; what timely service! And I didn't have to schedule any time off work. Soon our purchase would be complete and life would be good.
Or so I thought. Saturday morning after breakfast Joe and I pulled the old mattress and box springs off the bedframe. The deliverymen would take it and dispose of it after delivering our new mattress. We waited for 1:00.
Then we waited some more. Soon it was 2:00. Another hour dragged on and it was 3:00. Where were our guys?
The phone rang. We were sure it would be the deliverymen telling us that they are on their way, or maybe that they were running a few minutes behind. No, it was the warehouse manager saying that our delivery was rescheduled for after 5:00.
5:00?? Knowing that a lot earlier would have been nice, before we wasted a whole afternoon waiting at home. It was a beautiful spring day, and we could have been out somewhere enjoying the sunshine.
Oh well, we thought, at least the store was considerate enough to call us. We waited some more.
The truck arrived around 7:00 or 7:30. Finally! Although we were weary from waiting we were elated that the waiting was finally over! The deliverymen found first our foundation, then our mattress, from among the conglomeration of other furniture items in their truck, pulled them out, and dutifully carried each piece into our house.
Each worker stood on a side of the bedframe. The first man tilted the long side of the upright mattress toward the second man, who caught it so that they could both gently position the mattress upon the rails. Down the mattress went...
...onto rails that were too small. What? I thought that "queen size" rails were universal, and that any brand of mattress would fit on a set of rails!
I've had this bed for probably 20 years. It's a Kincaid. It was the first furniture purchase I ever made in my life. I adored cherry wood furniture and was in love with the old Victorian-style designs. Young and full of ideals, I was determined to have solid wood and a quality brand name no matter what the price, not some cheap discount store/pressboard gig. I don't remember the name of the model I finally bought, but I do remember finding it at a Jernigan's Warehouse Sale in Chattanooga back in the late eighties.
The headboard and footboard set came with slats for both full-size and queen-size rails. When I was single I bought a full-size mattress and full-size rails. When my first husband and I got married we bought a queen-size mattress and queen-size rails.
I still have the queen-size rails we bought in the early nineties. Well, obviously, mattress styles have changed in the past 15 years. Joe and I would have to buy a new set of rails.
The deliverymen left our mattress and foundation with us as they went on to finish their deliveries for the evening. We rested the pieces against the foyer wall as we pondered whether to go ahead to the furniture store that evening (it was after 8:00 and we weren't sure when the store closed) or just wait until Sunday and sleep on the floor Saturday night. At that point I would have gladly slept on the floor.
After calling the store to confirm their hours, and to confirm that they even had a set of queen-size rails in stock, we decided to go ahead and trot down to the furniture store and pick up the rails. The warehouse had them ready when we got there.
We paid for them and tiredly drove back to the house. Joe installed the rails. Great, we thought, we'll be sleeping on our new mattress tonight!
As Joe worked away I happened to look at the label. The label on the mattress and foundation, that is. The model name was "Apollo." I thought we had picked out an "Athena." I checked the invoice. Sure enough, we purchased an "Athena." We were given the wrong mattress set.
Oh no, not one more snag. Was this ever going to end? I was starting to think that it just wasn't meant to be for us to have a new mattress!
Well, you know what we did? After calling the store manager and telling him our problem, we loaded the wrong mattress, plastic wrap and all, onto the new rails, and slept on it for the night. Oh, it was noisy -- every time one of us moved, the plastic covering crackled. But at that point we were NOT going to sleep on the floor!
Finally the following Tuesday we were delivered an "Athena" and the deliverymen hauled away the "Apollo." I wound up taking time off work after all, but I lay on our new mattress for a solid hour that afternoon, enjoying our purchase. This strange and bumpy experience had finally come to a happy end!
Our new memory-foam mattress was to be delivered, we were promised, between 1:00 and 3:00 the next day -- Saturday. Fantastic, I thought; what timely service! And I didn't have to schedule any time off work. Soon our purchase would be complete and life would be good.
Or so I thought. Saturday morning after breakfast Joe and I pulled the old mattress and box springs off the bedframe. The deliverymen would take it and dispose of it after delivering our new mattress. We waited for 1:00.
Then we waited some more. Soon it was 2:00. Another hour dragged on and it was 3:00. Where were our guys?
The phone rang. We were sure it would be the deliverymen telling us that they are on their way, or maybe that they were running a few minutes behind. No, it was the warehouse manager saying that our delivery was rescheduled for after 5:00.
5:00?? Knowing that a lot earlier would have been nice, before we wasted a whole afternoon waiting at home. It was a beautiful spring day, and we could have been out somewhere enjoying the sunshine.
Oh well, we thought, at least the store was considerate enough to call us. We waited some more.
The truck arrived around 7:00 or 7:30. Finally! Although we were weary from waiting we were elated that the waiting was finally over! The deliverymen found first our foundation, then our mattress, from among the conglomeration of other furniture items in their truck, pulled them out, and dutifully carried each piece into our house.
Each worker stood on a side of the bedframe. The first man tilted the long side of the upright mattress toward the second man, who caught it so that they could both gently position the mattress upon the rails. Down the mattress went...
...onto rails that were too small. What? I thought that "queen size" rails were universal, and that any brand of mattress would fit on a set of rails!
I've had this bed for probably 20 years. It's a Kincaid. It was the first furniture purchase I ever made in my life. I adored cherry wood furniture and was in love with the old Victorian-style designs. Young and full of ideals, I was determined to have solid wood and a quality brand name no matter what the price, not some cheap discount store/pressboard gig. I don't remember the name of the model I finally bought, but I do remember finding it at a Jernigan's Warehouse Sale in Chattanooga back in the late eighties.
The headboard and footboard set came with slats for both full-size and queen-size rails. When I was single I bought a full-size mattress and full-size rails. When my first husband and I got married we bought a queen-size mattress and queen-size rails.
I still have the queen-size rails we bought in the early nineties. Well, obviously, mattress styles have changed in the past 15 years. Joe and I would have to buy a new set of rails.
The deliverymen left our mattress and foundation with us as they went on to finish their deliveries for the evening. We rested the pieces against the foyer wall as we pondered whether to go ahead to the furniture store that evening (it was after 8:00 and we weren't sure when the store closed) or just wait until Sunday and sleep on the floor Saturday night. At that point I would have gladly slept on the floor.
After calling the store to confirm their hours, and to confirm that they even had a set of queen-size rails in stock, we decided to go ahead and trot down to the furniture store and pick up the rails. The warehouse had them ready when we got there.
We paid for them and tiredly drove back to the house. Joe installed the rails. Great, we thought, we'll be sleeping on our new mattress tonight!
As Joe worked away I happened to look at the label. The label on the mattress and foundation, that is. The model name was "Apollo." I thought we had picked out an "Athena." I checked the invoice. Sure enough, we purchased an "Athena." We were given the wrong mattress set.
Oh no, not one more snag. Was this ever going to end? I was starting to think that it just wasn't meant to be for us to have a new mattress!
Well, you know what we did? After calling the store manager and telling him our problem, we loaded the wrong mattress, plastic wrap and all, onto the new rails, and slept on it for the night. Oh, it was noisy -- every time one of us moved, the plastic covering crackled. But at that point we were NOT going to sleep on the floor!
Finally the following Tuesday we were delivered an "Athena" and the deliverymen hauled away the "Apollo." I wound up taking time off work after all, but I lay on our new mattress for a solid hour that afternoon, enjoying our purchase. This strange and bumpy experience had finally come to a happy end!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday Fiasco
March 24, 2008
I took Friday off with hopes to get a ton of stuff done – and well, I did get some things done. But we got stuck in an F-5 fiasco that wouldn't go away! (For you non-Okies, the "F" scale is how we categorize tornadoes. An F-5 is the most violent.)
Joe was off for Good Friday, so we had lunch together at Café Do Brasil in Midtown at 11th & Walker. It's one of the (many) northside restaurants that I've been wanting to introduce Joe to. I had a broccoli-cheese quiche with spinach-strawberry salad, and he had a spicy tuna-patty sandwich. Good food, good service, good atmosphere. Good start to our afternoon together.
We strolled down to Kaiser’s for dessert – Kaiser’s, on 11th Street, is an old ice cream parlour from 1918. It is so quaint: black & white tiled floors, a 50s-style Coca-Cola dispenser, a pianist, and the high, sculptured ceiling so typical of turn-of-the-century buildings. I had a chocolate-mint milkshake that filled 3 glasses full. There’s my calorie intake for the next week and a half!
Afterwards it was off to Suited for Success off Meridian, to donate clothes which have been hanging in my closet for a year or more. According to their website, "Suited For Success provides professional clothing and career development services to low-income women who have completed a job training or job readiness program and are actively seeking employment." The charity provides a necessary service to women in need, and I've been contributing to them for a number of years. It's a charity I believe in.
The afternoon was proving to be not just fun but productive too.
Then, it was off to Factory Direct Furniture & Bed to look for a mattress. That's when the fun began! I was in the market for a queen-size…and boy, did it turn out to be a fiasco! I had no problem picking out a mattress that I liked. I had planned to pay for the purchase with my credit card then pay off the card as soon as my tax refund came in. Well, of course I had to show my identification. That's when the clerk pointed out that my driver's license was EXPIRED. Therefore they couldn't use it for identification.
I thought I'd write a check for the down payment then finance the balance. That didn't help -- my ID had to be current in order to write a check and sign a promissory note, too.
I was running out of options. My bank had a branch just down the block and across the street from the furniture store. The ATM will only allow $200 to be withdrawn in a day and I needed to withdraw $400. So I'd have to go inside, where surely the teller would ask for my ID. She did, but either didn't notice or didn't mind that my driver's license was past the expiration date. Whew! I had my down payment.
We raced back to Factory Direct to give them the cash, but I still had to update my license in order to sign the promissory note. The clerk was nice enough to complete the paperwork to the point where all I would have to do is show my ID and sign the papers when I came back.
Factory Direct closed at 6:00. It was after 4:00 already. There's a new law in Oklahoma that says if your driver's license has expired, you have to present your ORIGINAL birth certificate in order to renew it. I was born 5 states away! My mom probably has my birth certificate tucked away in her files somewhere!
Oh, no she doesn't. She gave it to me for my own keeping, many years ago. Thankfully this was one less thing to worry with.
In Oklahoma we can get our driver's license at any Tag Agency. But, with the new "original birth certificate law," I had to visit an agency who has in their employ a person certified to authenticate the birth certificate. Yukon has two.
And they both close at 5:00. After leaving the furniture store we raced back home in Yukon to retrieve my birth certificate. Then we pulled into one of the two eligible tag agencies, only to discover that the "certified authenticator" was gone for the day.
We drove down the road and around the corner to the other agency. It was past 4:30 and I was praying that their "authenticator" had not left yet. She hadn't. Thank goodness! I paid the fee, had my picture taken, took my new license and off we raced BACK to the furniture store to sign the promissory note.
Finally we could breathe a sigh of relief! The mattress was scheduled to be delivered within 24 hours. But that wasn't the end of our story.
I took Friday off with hopes to get a ton of stuff done – and well, I did get some things done. But we got stuck in an F-5 fiasco that wouldn't go away! (For you non-Okies, the "F" scale is how we categorize tornadoes. An F-5 is the most violent.)
Joe was off for Good Friday, so we had lunch together at Café Do Brasil in Midtown at 11th & Walker. It's one of the (many) northside restaurants that I've been wanting to introduce Joe to. I had a broccoli-cheese quiche with spinach-strawberry salad, and he had a spicy tuna-patty sandwich. Good food, good service, good atmosphere. Good start to our afternoon together.
We strolled down to Kaiser’s for dessert – Kaiser’s, on 11th Street, is an old ice cream parlour from 1918. It is so quaint: black & white tiled floors, a 50s-style Coca-Cola dispenser, a pianist, and the high, sculptured ceiling so typical of turn-of-the-century buildings. I had a chocolate-mint milkshake that filled 3 glasses full. There’s my calorie intake for the next week and a half!
Afterwards it was off to Suited for Success off Meridian, to donate clothes which have been hanging in my closet for a year or more. According to their website, "Suited For Success provides professional clothing and career development services to low-income women who have completed a job training or job readiness program and are actively seeking employment." The charity provides a necessary service to women in need, and I've been contributing to them for a number of years. It's a charity I believe in.
The afternoon was proving to be not just fun but productive too.
Then, it was off to Factory Direct Furniture & Bed to look for a mattress. That's when the fun began! I was in the market for a queen-size…and boy, did it turn out to be a fiasco! I had no problem picking out a mattress that I liked. I had planned to pay for the purchase with my credit card then pay off the card as soon as my tax refund came in. Well, of course I had to show my identification. That's when the clerk pointed out that my driver's license was EXPIRED. Therefore they couldn't use it for identification.
I thought I'd write a check for the down payment then finance the balance. That didn't help -- my ID had to be current in order to write a check and sign a promissory note, too.
I was running out of options. My bank had a branch just down the block and across the street from the furniture store. The ATM will only allow $200 to be withdrawn in a day and I needed to withdraw $400. So I'd have to go inside, where surely the teller would ask for my ID. She did, but either didn't notice or didn't mind that my driver's license was past the expiration date. Whew! I had my down payment.
We raced back to Factory Direct to give them the cash, but I still had to update my license in order to sign the promissory note. The clerk was nice enough to complete the paperwork to the point where all I would have to do is show my ID and sign the papers when I came back.
Factory Direct closed at 6:00. It was after 4:00 already. There's a new law in Oklahoma that says if your driver's license has expired, you have to present your ORIGINAL birth certificate in order to renew it. I was born 5 states away! My mom probably has my birth certificate tucked away in her files somewhere!
Oh, no she doesn't. She gave it to me for my own keeping, many years ago. Thankfully this was one less thing to worry with.
In Oklahoma we can get our driver's license at any Tag Agency. But, with the new "original birth certificate law," I had to visit an agency who has in their employ a person certified to authenticate the birth certificate. Yukon has two.
And they both close at 5:00. After leaving the furniture store we raced back home in Yukon to retrieve my birth certificate. Then we pulled into one of the two eligible tag agencies, only to discover that the "certified authenticator" was gone for the day.
We drove down the road and around the corner to the other agency. It was past 4:30 and I was praying that their "authenticator" had not left yet. She hadn't. Thank goodness! I paid the fee, had my picture taken, took my new license and off we raced BACK to the furniture store to sign the promissory note.
Finally we could breathe a sigh of relief! The mattress was scheduled to be delivered within 24 hours. But that wasn't the end of our story.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Funny How Life Turns Out
March 7, 2008
I didn't want to write about this, partly because it's pretty personal, but also because it's such a painful subject that I wish would just go away. But I want to paint a true-to-life picture of what being 40 and in a new relationship is all about.
At this age, most if not all of us have some sort of ghost in our past that will haunt us possibly for the rest of our lives. And at 40, we come to realize that no one is perfect and no one is going to fill all our needs. If we haven't already, we must learn to accept what is and move forward, making the best we can with what we have.
With that, I'll share the highlights of this painful part of our lives, without going into too many gory details.
Joe had a mediation today (I guess that's what you call it – they didn't actually go to court) regarding a financial obligation due a previous spouse. He and his attorney were in session for nearly 4 hours, until Joe finally called me with the verdict.
He has been ordered to pay $650/month for 3 years ($23,000 or so) plus $12,500 in interest. The interest will be paid via his tax refunds, which he says are pretty healthy because he claims his kids in California as dependents.
I think I would absolutely die if I was told I owed somebody $35,000.
It has me fairly shaken up, although I don't know why. Joe and I aren’t connected in any legal way – meaning we don’t share bank accounts and I legally have no financial obligations to him, debt or other – but this does affect me. If he can’t pay and has to go to jail, I have to decide whether I want to stay in the relationship. I love him and am his friend and want to always be there for him, but more important than anything I have an 11-year old son to think of. I don’t want him mixed up in this at all.
Too, if Joe has to declare bankruptcy, I have to decide whether I want to stay in the relationship for professional reasons. I am a CPA -- a finance professional -- and self-righteous though it may sound, marrying someone with a bankruptcy on his record could hurt me professionally.
Joe is looking at the bright side: In 3 years this will be over. Too, he's glad he hasn't already bought a house, because would lose it for sure if he had.
I used to say I wouldn't get involved with anyone who isn't financially stable! Funny how life turns out sometimes. He was telling me this morning how he wants to change careers and do something less physical. He talks about engineering or designing (machines & equipment and stuff), and the military would pay for the schooling. So who knows, I'm not putting my faith in anything or making any premature plans, but in the end things just might work out.
I didn't want to write about this, partly because it's pretty personal, but also because it's such a painful subject that I wish would just go away. But I want to paint a true-to-life picture of what being 40 and in a new relationship is all about.
At this age, most if not all of us have some sort of ghost in our past that will haunt us possibly for the rest of our lives. And at 40, we come to realize that no one is perfect and no one is going to fill all our needs. If we haven't already, we must learn to accept what is and move forward, making the best we can with what we have.
With that, I'll share the highlights of this painful part of our lives, without going into too many gory details.
Joe had a mediation today (I guess that's what you call it – they didn't actually go to court) regarding a financial obligation due a previous spouse. He and his attorney were in session for nearly 4 hours, until Joe finally called me with the verdict.
He has been ordered to pay $650/month for 3 years ($23,000 or so) plus $12,500 in interest. The interest will be paid via his tax refunds, which he says are pretty healthy because he claims his kids in California as dependents.
I think I would absolutely die if I was told I owed somebody $35,000.
It has me fairly shaken up, although I don't know why. Joe and I aren’t connected in any legal way – meaning we don’t share bank accounts and I legally have no financial obligations to him, debt or other – but this does affect me. If he can’t pay and has to go to jail, I have to decide whether I want to stay in the relationship. I love him and am his friend and want to always be there for him, but more important than anything I have an 11-year old son to think of. I don’t want him mixed up in this at all.
Too, if Joe has to declare bankruptcy, I have to decide whether I want to stay in the relationship for professional reasons. I am a CPA -- a finance professional -- and self-righteous though it may sound, marrying someone with a bankruptcy on his record could hurt me professionally.
Joe is looking at the bright side: In 3 years this will be over. Too, he's glad he hasn't already bought a house, because would lose it for sure if he had.
I used to say I wouldn't get involved with anyone who isn't financially stable! Funny how life turns out sometimes. He was telling me this morning how he wants to change careers and do something less physical. He talks about engineering or designing (machines & equipment and stuff), and the military would pay for the schooling. So who knows, I'm not putting my faith in anything or making any premature plans, but in the end things just might work out.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Like Family to Me
March 6, 2008Nathan has taken to Joe so well. He really identifies with him. I'm so glad! As a single parent you never quite know how your child is going to get along with a new boyfriend (or girlfriend, for that matter).
We were in Lowe's once, and I need to go down one aisle, while Joe needed to look down another aisle. When we asked Nathan which one of us he wanted to go with, he said to Joe, "I'll go with you, 'cuz we're MEN." I'm starting to wonder if maybe he's desperate for male attention because he's around his Granny and me so much!
He gets along well with Joe's mom, Fern, too (as do I). She's such a "mom." Joe, Nathan, and I spent the night at her house once a few weeks ago, and she made Joe sleep on the floor while I slept on the couch. It was no big deal to me, but she declared, "I have to practi
ce what I preach!"You gotta respect a lady who doesn't bend her rules even for 40-somethings!
Joe had the perfect comeback: "If mom can't get her groove on, ain't NOBODY gettin' their groove on!" Silly.
Fern told me that night, that when Joe moved home from San Diego after retiring from the Navy, she agreed to let him live there, but with her conditions. I asked, "Like what?"
"Do you really want to know?" she countered. Yes! I wanted to know! "He could stay here but he wasn't to bring any of his women over here!" I was laughing out loud! What a telling comment. Wow, he must have been a hound-dog in his day!
I had quite the laugh about that, because she doesn't seem to mind my being over there. Joe said I should feel realllly special, getting to spend the night at his mom's house. He said recently that she had remarked, "That girl must love you an awful lot; I haven't scared her off yet." And I'm like, Huh? Apparently she has "scared off" his girlfriends before, but I can't imagine why. She has her rules, as any good mom should -- so I figure his previous girlfriends just didn't know a good mom when they saw one.
We were at her house watching a movie last weekend, and I was so tired, I laid over on Joe's lap and slept during most of it. He told me a day or so later, "Mom said she felt very complimented the other night, when you feel asleep over there." I guess it made her feel good that I felt comfortable enough to doze off in her home. She and Joe are both like family to me.
We're Partners (and I'm Not a Moocher!)
February 27, 2008
I think Joe got his feelings hurt when I paid for dinner Sunday. He always pays. He paid for our $160 valentine dinner at The Melting Pot, and I tried to offer him $80 for my half. I don’t like him spending a lot of money on me, especially with his other financial obligations. He refused the $80, but I found another way to pay him back.
We had Sunday dinner at Cracker Barrel. When the check came, he had to go to the restroom so gave me his debit card to pay with. While he was there I quietly put his card aside and paid for dinner with my own debit card!
He was clearly upset that I paid. But the check was only about $30 and besides, I told him, I’m not a moocher. He doesn’t have to pay for everything. But, he takes his role as provider very seriously and fully expects and plans to pay when we go out. He likes to take care of me, he says, which of course I love and appreciate. But again, I’m not a moocher.
Also I told him I’m not lazy. While he was doing dishes the other day I started to take the trash out. I mean, the trashcan was full and it needed taken to the garbage. He said, “That’s OK, dear, I’ll get it.” And of course I appreciate everything he does. But there’s no reason I can’t get it (besides, I was afraid the cat was going to knock it over and get trash everywhere), and what am I going to do? Just sit on the couch while he does everything?
No, maybe other women will do that, but not me. I prefer that we work together when it comes to chores, rather than keeping some kind of mental score as to who does what. We are a TEAM, we are PARTNERS.
I think Joe got his feelings hurt when I paid for dinner Sunday. He always pays. He paid for our $160 valentine dinner at The Melting Pot, and I tried to offer him $80 for my half. I don’t like him spending a lot of money on me, especially with his other financial obligations. He refused the $80, but I found another way to pay him back.
We had Sunday dinner at Cracker Barrel. When the check came, he had to go to the restroom so gave me his debit card to pay with. While he was there I quietly put his card aside and paid for dinner with my own debit card!
He was clearly upset that I paid. But the check was only about $30 and besides, I told him, I’m not a moocher. He doesn’t have to pay for everything. But, he takes his role as provider very seriously and fully expects and plans to pay when we go out. He likes to take care of me, he says, which of course I love and appreciate. But again, I’m not a moocher.
Also I told him I’m not lazy. While he was doing dishes the other day I started to take the trash out. I mean, the trashcan was full and it needed taken to the garbage. He said, “That’s OK, dear, I’ll get it.” And of course I appreciate everything he does. But there’s no reason I can’t get it (besides, I was afraid the cat was going to knock it over and get trash everywhere), and what am I going to do? Just sit on the couch while he does everything?
No, maybe other women will do that, but not me. I prefer that we work together when it comes to chores, rather than keeping some kind of mental score as to who does what. We are a TEAM, we are PARTNERS.
A Busy and Stressful Time
February 25, 2008
Wow, I haven’t written in a month. It’s that way this time of the year, for us Statutory Accountants -- too busy to have a life of our own!
Here's a quick background of my company: CompSource Oklahoma is, for all intents and purposes, an insurance company. We are a State Agency, created by Statute in 1933 to provide workers' compensation insurance to Oklahoma employers. We are not-for-profit but operate similarly to a commercial corporation. The company is completely self-funded and receives no appropriations from the State of Oklahoma.
Since CompSource is the "insurer of last resort," we cannot turn down any entity which applies for insurance with us, and as such, we often insure the riskier clients.
Statutory Accounting is what we in the accounting profession refer to as "OCBOA" -- Other Comprehensive Basis of Accounting. A commercial corporation normally employs GAAP accounting, or Generally Accepted Accounting Principles. The focus of GAAP accounting is the bottom line, or net income. The goal is to make a profit and increase shareholder wealth.
Statutory, or STAT, accounting, focuses on solvency. Our goal is to maintain the capital necessary to meet claimant obligations. Regardless of our net income, if we do not have the capital (net assets) available to meet any and all claims at a given time, we are considered insolvent and can no longer operate.
Our deadline for annual reporting to the State is March 1, so from December 31 to March 1, we’re involved in not only month-end reporting for December, but year-end reporting which primarily involves preparation of the Annual Statement. This, among other things, involves preparation of Schedule P, a heavily detailed schedule of our claim activity for the year (and thankfully we only write one line of business – Work Comp – and not numerous Property & Casualty lines).
Adding to the year-end mix, our independent auditors (KPMG, one of the Big 4. Remember when there was the Big 8? Wikipedia says, "..... the "Big Eight"...was reduced to the "Big Five" by a series of mergers. The Big Five became the Big Four after the near-demise of Arthur Andersen in 2002, following its involvement in the Enron Scandal." Such tumultous times in our profession!) pay a visit to study and scrutinize every aspect of our financial activity for the previous year.
Then inevitably comes January month-end, which is important because our Board of Directors meets monthly and we report financial activity at each board meeting. January numbers can't wait for year-end numbers!
So we cram 3-4 months' worth of work into 2 months. It gets to be quite a busy and stressful time! Maybe now though I can breathe a little and write more.
Wow, I haven’t written in a month. It’s that way this time of the year, for us Statutory Accountants -- too busy to have a life of our own!
Here's a quick background of my company: CompSource Oklahoma is, for all intents and purposes, an insurance company. We are a State Agency, created by Statute in 1933 to provide workers' compensation insurance to Oklahoma employers. We are not-for-profit but operate similarly to a commercial corporation. The company is completely self-funded and receives no appropriations from the State of Oklahoma.
Since CompSource is the "insurer of last resort," we cannot turn down any entity which applies for insurance with us, and as such, we often insure the riskier clients.
Statutory Accounting is what we in the accounting profession refer to as "OCBOA" -- Other Comprehensive Basis of Accounting. A commercial corporation normally employs GAAP accounting, or Generally Accepted Accounting Principles. The focus of GAAP accounting is the bottom line, or net income. The goal is to make a profit and increase shareholder wealth.
Statutory, or STAT, accounting, focuses on solvency. Our goal is to maintain the capital necessary to meet claimant obligations. Regardless of our net income, if we do not have the capital (net assets) available to meet any and all claims at a given time, we are considered insolvent and can no longer operate.
Our deadline for annual reporting to the State is March 1, so from December 31 to March 1, we’re involved in not only month-end reporting for December, but year-end reporting which primarily involves preparation of the Annual Statement. This, among other things, involves preparation of Schedule P, a heavily detailed schedule of our claim activity for the year (and thankfully we only write one line of business – Work Comp – and not numerous Property & Casualty lines).
Adding to the year-end mix, our independent auditors (KPMG, one of the Big 4. Remember when there was the Big 8? Wikipedia says, "..... the "Big Eight"...was reduced to the "Big Five" by a series of mergers. The Big Five became the Big Four after the near-demise of Arthur Andersen in 2002, following its involvement in the Enron Scandal." Such tumultous times in our profession!) pay a visit to study and scrutinize every aspect of our financial activity for the previous year.
Then inevitably comes January month-end, which is important because our Board of Directors meets monthly and we report financial activity at each board meeting. January numbers can't wait for year-end numbers!
So we cram 3-4 months' worth of work into 2 months. It gets to be quite a busy and stressful time! Maybe now though I can breathe a little and write more.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Stock Market and our Economy
January 24, 2008
The economy is in sad shape. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is just over 12,000, down from a peak of 14,000 just a few months ago. It doesn’t seem in any hurry to recover. President George W. Bush has announced a stimulus package, including tax rebates to millions of families. But will it effect a long-term cure? I just want my mutual funds to gain a little back. I invested my Christmas bonus of $1500 and the value has already dropped to $1300.
The market gained a little since yesterday, but has fallen back this afternoon. I read a piece on the Crash of 1929 yesterday – actually it was the transcript of a PBS special. It was so interesting.
Our nation had won WWI and had enjoyed years of prosperity. Everyone was in the stock market; the “movers and shakers” of the era touted the Market as a way that everyone could be rich. The market was going up, up, up, and people were borrowing money to invest ("buying on margin"). No one thought it could end and would only get better. People got complacent and over-confident.
Then for whatever reason the market took a dip. Everyone got scared and sold what they had, which drove prices further down. Soon stocks were worthless.
People are more cautious nowadays. We diversify our investments. And of course more market controls are in place now (such as the Securities Act of 1933, which regulates original issues of securities [commonly known as "IPOs" or Initial Public Offerings]; and the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, which regulates secondary trading of securities).
But, credit is all too easy to procure, and I believe that will be a huge downfall for us. Are we getting complacent and over-confident like our forefathers? Are we due for another crash?
The economy is in sad shape. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is just over 12,000, down from a peak of 14,000 just a few months ago. It doesn’t seem in any hurry to recover. President George W. Bush has announced a stimulus package, including tax rebates to millions of families. But will it effect a long-term cure? I just want my mutual funds to gain a little back. I invested my Christmas bonus of $1500 and the value has already dropped to $1300.
The market gained a little since yesterday, but has fallen back this afternoon. I read a piece on the Crash of 1929 yesterday – actually it was the transcript of a PBS special. It was so interesting.
Our nation had won WWI and had enjoyed years of prosperity. Everyone was in the stock market; the “movers and shakers” of the era touted the Market as a way that everyone could be rich. The market was going up, up, up, and people were borrowing money to invest ("buying on margin"). No one thought it could end and would only get better. People got complacent and over-confident.
Then for whatever reason the market took a dip. Everyone got scared and sold what they had, which drove prices further down. Soon stocks were worthless.
People are more cautious nowadays. We diversify our investments. And of course more market controls are in place now (such as the Securities Act of 1933, which regulates original issues of securities [commonly known as "IPOs" or Initial Public Offerings]; and the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, which regulates secondary trading of securities).
But, credit is all too easy to procure, and I believe that will be a huge downfall for us. Are we getting complacent and over-confident like our forefathers? Are we due for another crash?
Unschooling
January 5, 2008
One subject that has captured my interest lately is that of "unschooling." It's a fairly new concept, the term first used in the 1970s by educator John Holt. It's not the same as "homeschooling." Unschooling seeks to abandon the traditional methods of school and teaching, and allow a child to learn in his own way at his own pace.
Unschooling's main philosophy is that children are natural learners. Wikipedia says, "A fundamental premise of unschooling is that curiosity is innate and that children want to learn. From this an argument can be made that institutionalizing children in a so called "one size fits all" or "factory model" school is an inefficient use of the children's time, because it requires each child to learn a specific subject matter in a particular manner, at a particular pace, and at a particular time regardless of that individual's present or future needs, interests, goals, or any pre-existing knowledge he or she might have about the topic.
"Many unschoolers also believe that opportunities for valuable hands-on, community based, spontaneous, and real-world experiences are missed when educational opportunities are largely limited to those which can occur physically inside of a school building."
Why is the concept of unschooling so important to me? My 5th-grade son, Nathan, has a complete lack of motivation for succeeding in school. What gives? Whose son is he? He certainly didn't get that quality from me.
I believe he could benefit from unschooling.
I was asking my friend Kenny recently what he had to say about the subject; that is, motivating boys. He teaches high school (various subjects) so I didn’t know what sort of experience he had with pre-teens. My son is intelligent, creative, and talented, but he just has no motivation in his bones to keep his work done. Staying in during recess doesn’t bother him. Making a D on a test doesn’t bother him.
Kenny said that that’s a continual universal problem in schools, not knowing how to motivate boys ages 13-18. He said he didn’t have any answers, but I was glad to hear I wasn’t alone. I mentioned how that I’ve read that schools are designed for girls. He wholeheartedly agreed with that. Boys aren’t built to sit in desks for an hour at a time and do “sit down” work. Boys are active, visual, and tactile. They are built completely differently than girls.
So. There’s a project for me -- find a new way to teach boys. And maybe….redefine “success.” Maybe success shouldn’t be measured by “90-100 is an A" and failure shouldn't be measured by "anything below a 60 is an F."
This goes back to what I’ve read about “unschooling”: teaching kids to learn for the sake of learning. In the traditional school system, kids are taught to pass tests, to meet certain pre-ordained criteria, not to ENJOY learning. They aren't taught how to think independently. They are taught that success is defined as a number between 1 and 100.
This should be changed.
One subject that has captured my interest lately is that of "unschooling." It's a fairly new concept, the term first used in the 1970s by educator John Holt. It's not the same as "homeschooling." Unschooling seeks to abandon the traditional methods of school and teaching, and allow a child to learn in his own way at his own pace.
Unschooling's main philosophy is that children are natural learners. Wikipedia says, "A fundamental premise of unschooling is that curiosity is innate and that children want to learn. From this an argument can be made that institutionalizing children in a so called "one size fits all" or "factory model" school is an inefficient use of the children's time, because it requires each child to learn a specific subject matter in a particular manner, at a particular pace, and at a particular time regardless of that individual's present or future needs, interests, goals, or any pre-existing knowledge he or she might have about the topic.
"Many unschoolers also believe that opportunities for valuable hands-on, community based, spontaneous, and real-world experiences are missed when educational opportunities are largely limited to those which can occur physically inside of a school building."
Why is the concept of unschooling so important to me? My 5th-grade son, Nathan, has a complete lack of motivation for succeeding in school. What gives? Whose son is he? He certainly didn't get that quality from me.
I believe he could benefit from unschooling.
I was asking my friend Kenny recently what he had to say about the subject; that is, motivating boys. He teaches high school (various subjects) so I didn’t know what sort of experience he had with pre-teens. My son is intelligent, creative, and talented, but he just has no motivation in his bones to keep his work done. Staying in during recess doesn’t bother him. Making a D on a test doesn’t bother him.
Kenny said that that’s a continual universal problem in schools, not knowing how to motivate boys ages 13-18. He said he didn’t have any answers, but I was glad to hear I wasn’t alone. I mentioned how that I’ve read that schools are designed for girls. He wholeheartedly agreed with that. Boys aren’t built to sit in desks for an hour at a time and do “sit down” work. Boys are active, visual, and tactile. They are built completely differently than girls.
So. There’s a project for me -- find a new way to teach boys. And maybe….redefine “success.” Maybe success shouldn’t be measured by “90-100 is an A" and failure shouldn't be measured by "anything below a 60 is an F."
This goes back to what I’ve read about “unschooling”: teaching kids to learn for the sake of learning. In the traditional school system, kids are taught to pass tests, to meet certain pre-ordained criteria, not to ENJOY learning. They aren't taught how to think independently. They are taught that success is defined as a number between 1 and 100.
This should be changed.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Technologically Literate
January 15, 2008
It’s my goal this year (not really a “new year’s resolution”) to get more technologically literate. So in addition to starting a blog, I’ve signed up for a web design class at Canadian Valley Technology Center in El Reno. Ideally I’d like to get to a point where I can work at home via the internet, and set my own schedule so I can be home when Nathan gets home from school, possibly help out at his school, travel more, etc. Who knows where this all will lead.
The web design class started last night; I’m so excited about it! We learned some very basic functions and commands of Dreamweaver, the most popular software program right now thru which to design websites. It’s much different than designing on Word, which is how I first learned to design a webpage many years ago at UCO.
Sometimes I feel so far behind most people, technologically; I just got my first cell phone EVER, 2 months ago. I got my first home computer a year ago. I just recently began online bill-pay. But on the other hand, I am fairly well-versed in Excel and Word and can pick up new applications fairly well. I’ve been doing online banking for years and know how to set up a personal email account. So I’m not completely behind the times. But this is exciting and new!
My thoughts fly back to 1989 when I took my first Lotus 1-2-3 course at Dalton College. We learned spreadsheets on DOS. I was nearly in tears in class one day because I felt I was the only one who didn’t know how to “boot up.” I was working at The Sewing Room as an alterations seamstress, not in an office like I wanted to be, so I didn’t work with computers at all. The extent of my computer experience at the time was a few homework problems in my Accounting Principles class on an old 286 or 386. And, I did learn a little programming in BASIC in high school.
We’ve come a long way since DOS and BASIC and 386’s! I felt so stupid then, but as time went on we all learned how to use computers as second nature, whether we liked it or not. And I imagine now, in a few years I’ll be using Dreamweaver and Flash as easily as I’m using Excel and Word now.
It’s my goal this year (not really a “new year’s resolution”) to get more technologically literate. So in addition to starting a blog, I’ve signed up for a web design class at Canadian Valley Technology Center in El Reno. Ideally I’d like to get to a point where I can work at home via the internet, and set my own schedule so I can be home when Nathan gets home from school, possibly help out at his school, travel more, etc. Who knows where this all will lead.
The web design class started last night; I’m so excited about it! We learned some very basic functions and commands of Dreamweaver, the most popular software program right now thru which to design websites. It’s much different than designing on Word, which is how I first learned to design a webpage many years ago at UCO.
Sometimes I feel so far behind most people, technologically; I just got my first cell phone EVER, 2 months ago. I got my first home computer a year ago. I just recently began online bill-pay. But on the other hand, I am fairly well-versed in Excel and Word and can pick up new applications fairly well. I’ve been doing online banking for years and know how to set up a personal email account. So I’m not completely behind the times. But this is exciting and new!
My thoughts fly back to 1989 when I took my first Lotus 1-2-3 course at Dalton College. We learned spreadsheets on DOS. I was nearly in tears in class one day because I felt I was the only one who didn’t know how to “boot up.” I was working at The Sewing Room as an alterations seamstress, not in an office like I wanted to be, so I didn’t work with computers at all. The extent of my computer experience at the time was a few homework problems in my Accounting Principles class on an old 286 or 386. And, I did learn a little programming in BASIC in high school.
We’ve come a long way since DOS and BASIC and 386’s! I felt so stupid then, but as time went on we all learned how to use computers as second nature, whether we liked it or not. And I imagine now, in a few years I’ll be using Dreamweaver and Flash as easily as I’m using Excel and Word now.
Reassessment - 2
January 2, 2008
I’m at a place in life, in which I find myself from time to time. An urgency to do something different, try something new, make a major change in life.
I’ve been in the accounting field since 1989, when I began an Associate’s degree in Business Administration at Dalton College. That was nearly 20 years ago. I didn’t begin any sort of accounting work, though, until I’d been at Aladdin Mills for 2 years and got into Accounts Payable. Let's see, I took Phil Vaughn’s place in “general accounting” in 1993; I remember that vividly because I was planning my wedding, learning a new job, and training 2 new people in AP all at the same time.
I was in AP for a year before that…so I began work in Accounting in May of 1992. I did clerical accounting up thru July 1998; I was with Fleming Companies here in OKC when I began pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in Accounting at UCO in 1997, a year after Nathan was born. I started professional accounting at Grant Thornton as a Tax Associate, in January 2000, and became certified in August 2003. So – I did clerical accounting work for 6 years. I got a lot of good experience and had good jobs, but I knew I was capable of so much more, and was WORTH more. Money, that is.
I’ve been in professional accounting now for 8 years, over 4 of that as a CPA. And it is time for a change.
I have ideas for books, or stories. First, I’ve always admired the “Little House” series, and have thought about writing something similar, maybe about a child growing up in Oklahoma going on hikes, on camping trips, to museums, on vacations….from his or her point of view (not mine).
Maybe I ought to write about how I could move from Accountant to Writer. "Anatomy of a Writing Career"? Maybe it should be more like “Conception of a Writing Career” or something relating to the pre-birth stage, because it’s not actually hatched yet.
Here's an idea -- “Anatomy of an Accounting Career”! I was an accountant at age 10 and didn’t even know it. I’d count out my dimes, quarters, and dollar bills from my piggy bank, and add up on paper how many of each I had. I’d multiply them out and then reconcile my calculated number with my counted number. I'm still doing that, but now am getting paid for it!
I’m at a place in life, in which I find myself from time to time. An urgency to do something different, try something new, make a major change in life.
I’ve been in the accounting field since 1989, when I began an Associate’s degree in Business Administration at Dalton College. That was nearly 20 years ago. I didn’t begin any sort of accounting work, though, until I’d been at Aladdin Mills for 2 years and got into Accounts Payable. Let's see, I took Phil Vaughn’s place in “general accounting” in 1993; I remember that vividly because I was planning my wedding, learning a new job, and training 2 new people in AP all at the same time.
I was in AP for a year before that…so I began work in Accounting in May of 1992. I did clerical accounting up thru July 1998; I was with Fleming Companies here in OKC when I began pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in Accounting at UCO in 1997, a year after Nathan was born. I started professional accounting at Grant Thornton as a Tax Associate, in January 2000, and became certified in August 2003. So – I did clerical accounting work for 6 years. I got a lot of good experience and had good jobs, but I knew I was capable of so much more, and was WORTH more. Money, that is.
I’ve been in professional accounting now for 8 years, over 4 of that as a CPA. And it is time for a change.
I have ideas for books, or stories. First, I’ve always admired the “Little House” series, and have thought about writing something similar, maybe about a child growing up in Oklahoma going on hikes, on camping trips, to museums, on vacations….from his or her point of view (not mine).
Maybe I ought to write about how I could move from Accountant to Writer. "Anatomy of a Writing Career"? Maybe it should be more like “Conception of a Writing Career” or something relating to the pre-birth stage, because it’s not actually hatched yet.
Here's an idea -- “Anatomy of an Accounting Career”! I was an accountant at age 10 and didn’t even know it. I’d count out my dimes, quarters, and dollar bills from my piggy bank, and add up on paper how many of each I had. I’d multiply them out and then reconcile my calculated number with my counted number. I'm still doing that, but now am getting paid for it!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A Good Year
December 31, 2007
Today is the last day of 2007. Joe and Nathan are driving up to the office to meet me for lunch. Nathan has had a pretty bad ear infection, which is draining now. I’m feeling a lot better after finally seeing a doctor and getting on Allegra. I don’t feel the drainage which would irritate my chest and throat, like I have been. Not as much anyway. Still coughing some, but the coughs are fewer and further between. I couldn’t believe how much the meds cost. Without insurance I would have had to pay more than double what I did. Thank God for insurance. I don’t buy a lot of meds, so I wasn’t prepared for those prices.
We went to Dennis & Michelle’s party – kind of a year-end party, Dirty Santa-style, though not exactly a New Year’s party and not exactly a Christmas party – Saturday night. Over 40 people were there. I normally can’t deal with crowds that big for very long. But it was OK, it was all the usual people from Tennis, Outdoor Network, and Ski Club. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in months.
Brenda Ballinger was there with a man whom others referred to as her husband. I haven't seen Brenda in years. So she finally got the divorce? We were both separated at the same time a few years ago, both of us procrastinating our divorces. People would harass me for waiting so long, but somehow it was OK that she not only wasn’t pursuing the divorce, but she was traveling out of state to spend time with her husband whom she knew was cheating on her. But then, I never met her husband so this may have been her husband with whom she reconciled. But I doubt it, the way people were talking. If she did get the divorce finally, she sure got into another marriage pretty quickly.
Some people have to be married (like our friend Ted, who was practically engaged to his current wife before his divorce was even final). I don’t get that; I mean, wouldn’t one want to be careful to not make the same mistakes in the second marriage (or third for that matter) that they did in the first? And therefore take some time and wait? But then I have to realize, everyone is different. I can’t make a judgment on what’s right for someone else; only for me.
2007 was a good year; it brought Joe into my life. What will 2008 bring?
Today is the last day of 2007. Joe and Nathan are driving up to the office to meet me for lunch. Nathan has had a pretty bad ear infection, which is draining now. I’m feeling a lot better after finally seeing a doctor and getting on Allegra. I don’t feel the drainage which would irritate my chest and throat, like I have been. Not as much anyway. Still coughing some, but the coughs are fewer and further between. I couldn’t believe how much the meds cost. Without insurance I would have had to pay more than double what I did. Thank God for insurance. I don’t buy a lot of meds, so I wasn’t prepared for those prices.
We went to Dennis & Michelle’s party – kind of a year-end party, Dirty Santa-style, though not exactly a New Year’s party and not exactly a Christmas party – Saturday night. Over 40 people were there. I normally can’t deal with crowds that big for very long. But it was OK, it was all the usual people from Tennis, Outdoor Network, and Ski Club. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in months.
Brenda Ballinger was there with a man whom others referred to as her husband. I haven't seen Brenda in years. So she finally got the divorce? We were both separated at the same time a few years ago, both of us procrastinating our divorces. People would harass me for waiting so long, but somehow it was OK that she not only wasn’t pursuing the divorce, but she was traveling out of state to spend time with her husband whom she knew was cheating on her. But then, I never met her husband so this may have been her husband with whom she reconciled. But I doubt it, the way people were talking. If she did get the divorce finally, she sure got into another marriage pretty quickly.
Some people have to be married (like our friend Ted, who was practically engaged to his current wife before his divorce was even final). I don’t get that; I mean, wouldn’t one want to be careful to not make the same mistakes in the second marriage (or third for that matter) that they did in the first? And therefore take some time and wait? But then I have to realize, everyone is different. I can’t make a judgment on what’s right for someone else; only for me.
2007 was a good year; it brought Joe into my life. What will 2008 bring?
One Day Rather than Another
December 26, 2007
My mother called yesterday after the family Christmas dinner. Apparently Susan, my niece, didn’t get any gifts, and I was the one who drew her name. Not ANYTHING?? Even from the other family members? Mom said my sister Elaine had said she didn’t get anything a few years back and it really hurt her feelings; that may have been the year I drew her name. My response to that is, get over it. Not to be unfeeling, but I don't believe in depending on others -- or on THINGS -- for one's self-esteem. Besides, any adult (any parent) I know would be satisfied just knowing that her kids are happy and have what they want.
Gifts are just things, and Christmas is just a day. Nothing magical about it. I am simply not going to be made to feel guilty because I didn't give someone a "thing" on a certain day.
That would have been Christmas of 2004. I did, later in the year, give Elaine an “Americana” gift to match her bathroom decor. Does it make me a bad person, because I gave the gift on a day other than December 25? Does a gift mean less because it was given on one day rather than another? It shouldn’t.
Hmmm... Whose idea was it to give her a shower for getting custody of her grandsons, this past spring on Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that was me. Now THAT is something to celebrate. I wanted to show how happy I was for her. I wanted the family to come together to show their support for such a big event -- and finally getting custody of the boys IS a big event. I didn't even get to go to the shower. Just the same, I was thrilled for her & her husband, and in my opinion, putting time and thought into an event shows a lot more concern and consideration for a person than spending money on a physical thing.
I wish for others to treat me the same way.
Here's an email I sent to Elaine after Christmas, explaining my thoughts:
Again, sorry everything is late. I'm still not feeling the best, and am finally convinced I should see a doctor. I'm not big on going to doctors, if I can help it, but I've had this chest cough for about 2 months. And, we're supposed to get more snow today.
This time of year is so stressful. Whose bright idea was it to pick this day in the middle of winter -- which, as we know, wasn't even Christ's birthday in the first place -- when weather is generally bad and sickness is generally rampant, to wear ourselves out going from crowded, noisy store to crowded, noisy store so we can buy "things" to give on this arbitrary day, and if we don't, we're bad people?
Here is my opinion: it's just a day, and a gift is just a thing. What's important (to me anyway) is the THOUGHT or FEELING behind the giving. I don't want any of you to ever feel you "have" to get me something just because it's my birthday, or Christmas, or Mother's Day, or whatever. An email or card will suffice. I'm not into "things" or "days," I'm much more interested in the thought or the effort. I wouldn't want anyone wearing themselves out just to meet some man-made deadline. Take care of yourselves and your families first!! There is just nothing I want or need that badly!
I guess I'm up on my soapbox this morning. Christmas can be a lot of fun: the music, the decorations, the parties. But I think we (as a society) put way too much pressure on ourselves. We put way too much importance on what I think are the wrong things. How 'bout if one year we don't buy any gifts at all, and spend our money and time doing something charitable?
My mother called yesterday after the family Christmas dinner. Apparently Susan, my niece, didn’t get any gifts, and I was the one who drew her name. Not ANYTHING?? Even from the other family members? Mom said my sister Elaine had said she didn’t get anything a few years back and it really hurt her feelings; that may have been the year I drew her name. My response to that is, get over it. Not to be unfeeling, but I don't believe in depending on others -- or on THINGS -- for one's self-esteem. Besides, any adult (any parent) I know would be satisfied just knowing that her kids are happy and have what they want.
Gifts are just things, and Christmas is just a day. Nothing magical about it. I am simply not going to be made to feel guilty because I didn't give someone a "thing" on a certain day.
That would have been Christmas of 2004. I did, later in the year, give Elaine an “Americana” gift to match her bathroom decor. Does it make me a bad person, because I gave the gift on a day other than December 25? Does a gift mean less because it was given on one day rather than another? It shouldn’t.
Hmmm... Whose idea was it to give her a shower for getting custody of her grandsons, this past spring on Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that was me. Now THAT is something to celebrate. I wanted to show how happy I was for her. I wanted the family to come together to show their support for such a big event -- and finally getting custody of the boys IS a big event. I didn't even get to go to the shower. Just the same, I was thrilled for her & her husband, and in my opinion, putting time and thought into an event shows a lot more concern and consideration for a person than spending money on a physical thing.
I wish for others to treat me the same way.
Here's an email I sent to Elaine after Christmas, explaining my thoughts:
Again, sorry everything is late. I'm still not feeling the best, and am finally convinced I should see a doctor. I'm not big on going to doctors, if I can help it, but I've had this chest cough for about 2 months. And, we're supposed to get more snow today.
This time of year is so stressful. Whose bright idea was it to pick this day in the middle of winter -- which, as we know, wasn't even Christ's birthday in the first place -- when weather is generally bad and sickness is generally rampant, to wear ourselves out going from crowded, noisy store to crowded, noisy store so we can buy "things" to give on this arbitrary day, and if we don't, we're bad people?
Here is my opinion: it's just a day, and a gift is just a thing. What's important (to me anyway) is the THOUGHT or FEELING behind the giving. I don't want any of you to ever feel you "have" to get me something just because it's my birthday, or Christmas, or Mother's Day, or whatever. An email or card will suffice. I'm not into "things" or "days," I'm much more interested in the thought or the effort. I wouldn't want anyone wearing themselves out just to meet some man-made deadline. Take care of yourselves and your families first!! There is just nothing I want or need that badly!
I guess I'm up on my soapbox this morning. Christmas can be a lot of fun: the music, the decorations, the parties. But I think we (as a society) put way too much pressure on ourselves. We put way too much importance on what I think are the wrong things. How 'bout if one year we don't buy any gifts at all, and spend our money and time doing something charitable?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
An Uneventful Christmas
December 25, 2007
A year ago on Christmas Day 2006 I was reading the book The Thorn Birds. This Christmas Joe gave me the 4-DVD set so I stayed home and watched the movie. I get so lost in the story, it is so romantic and passionate and epic! I remember how reading the book fulfilled my need for passion. That was, of course, before I met Joe. And almost ever since he met me, he’s known I’ve wanted the DVD. Well, he found it. My hero!
Joe stayed with his mother last night, so I watched Parts 1&2 of the movie alone. I awoke at 5:00 this Christmas morning, with the usual problem of coughing and being congested and barely able to breathe, but surprisingly I didn't fall back asleep. Instead I stayed up and watched Part 3. I took time to get a shower, straighten up the livingroom, and cook pancakes before Nathan and his dad came over at 9:00 to open gifts.
They were gone by 10:00. It was a quiet event, not nearly as exciting as opening gifts yesterday with Joe. December 24 is his birthday (he’s 45) so we exchanged gifts with him yesterday. Mike and Nathan had to go back home; Granny was apparently fixing lunch/dinner for them all. That’s fine with me; I got a quiet afternoon to myself!
Joe had Christmas dinner at his step-brother's home. I probably should have gone so I could meet more of his extended family, but I just didn’t feel like getting out and being around people. Instead I curled up with the warm, fuzzy blanket Fern got for me, and watched The Thorn Birds. Even the movie was passionate, nearly as much as the book. I had wanted to watch it with Joe and share the romance with him, but of course, he needs to spend time with his family too.
A Storm of a Different Kind
December 18, 2007
My cough is better, but I woke up at 4:00 a.m. with congestion and a sore throat. Won’t the fates just leave me alone?! It’s like a storm coming in, I can just feel it. You know how you can see a storm coming in, dark clouds looming on the horizon, the air is thick and you can taste the coming rain? That’s just how I feel. I can feel the cold swirling around in my head, not quite settled in yet. But I know it’s going to hit by tomorrow.
Joe is coming over tonight; I’m glad, because my Christmas lights need fixed! He wasn’t quite finished putting them up when the ice storm hit, and the ice and wind knocked some of the lights out of place. Last night he stayed with his mom; she’s feeling lonesome and a little down, he says. She’s widowed and Joe’s her only family, as far as I know. While her power was out (which it was for 5 days) he stayed with her, keeping the house warm and lighted, and taking her out to eat and basically seeing to it that she was taken care of (like a good son should).
I didn’t feel like staying home in spite of my oncoming cold, or sinus infection, or whatever it is. I felt well enough to go sit at my desk rather than sit on the couch watching TV. At lunch Pamela gave me a Theraflu that she had. I drank that, and I feel right as rain now. Oh, it made me a little drowsy. But I feel almost good as new. Maybe I should take my mom's age-old advice and gargle with hot salt water.
My cough is better, but I woke up at 4:00 a.m. with congestion and a sore throat. Won’t the fates just leave me alone?! It’s like a storm coming in, I can just feel it. You know how you can see a storm coming in, dark clouds looming on the horizon, the air is thick and you can taste the coming rain? That’s just how I feel. I can feel the cold swirling around in my head, not quite settled in yet. But I know it’s going to hit by tomorrow.
Joe is coming over tonight; I’m glad, because my Christmas lights need fixed! He wasn’t quite finished putting them up when the ice storm hit, and the ice and wind knocked some of the lights out of place. Last night he stayed with his mom; she’s feeling lonesome and a little down, he says. She’s widowed and Joe’s her only family, as far as I know. While her power was out (which it was for 5 days) he stayed with her, keeping the house warm and lighted, and taking her out to eat and basically seeing to it that she was taken care of (like a good son should).
I didn’t feel like staying home in spite of my oncoming cold, or sinus infection, or whatever it is. I felt well enough to go sit at my desk rather than sit on the couch watching TV. At lunch Pamela gave me a Theraflu that she had. I drank that, and I feel right as rain now. Oh, it made me a little drowsy. But I feel almost good as new. Maybe I should take my mom's age-old advice and gargle with hot salt water.
Ice Storm
December 11, 2007
The office was closed yesterday due to the ice storm, and Yukon Schools have been closed today and yesterday. I was doing fine at the house, up until last night about 9:30. I had heat, power, and food, when suddenly the power went out. Thank goodness for that cell phone! Also thank goodness for a small battery-powered radio of Nathan’s.
I lit several candles and found a few games to play on my cell phone. I went to bed about 10:30, and slept fine until about 4:30 when I woke up coughing and hacking. I had to get up to eat and take some of that generic mucinex – cough suppressant and expectorant. I was wide awake, of course, so I read a few chapters of Moby Dick by flashlight.
I was planning to curl up and get some more sleep, but I called in to the employee message line at work, and found that the office is open and we’re scheduled to work today. Boo! So, I got a shower by candlelight – I guess my hot water tank still had enough hot water in it for another shower. Thing is, though, I had no way to dry my hair!
I had a couple bowls of cereal for breakfast, then packed up my straightening iron and curling iron for work, along with lunch, and headed out. My car was parked in the garage to keep it from the ice, and of course the garage door operates by electric. How was I going to open the garage door and get to work? No worries; I figured out how to use the manual release. The builder told me about it when I first moved into the house, but this is the first time I’ve had to use it.
The drive down 39th Street was uneventful. I chose not to take I-40 because it can be so unpredictable, especially in bad weather. The work day has been as normal, except that people are dressed down for the weather (not to mention lack of electricity which means no showers).
It was raining this morning (as it has been most of the day), so the temp must be above 32°. I’ve tried calling my home phone a few times, but the message machine isn’t picking up so I guess the power hasn’t come back on yet. It is going to be so COLD when I get home. My poor cat is probably wondering what’s going on. She has knocked down a ball (Christmas ornament) from our tree and was playing with it like a cat-toy this morning. It was so cute!
I emailed my folks yesterday (while I still had power) and sent them pictures of my plants covered with ice, to let them know what’s going on and that we were fine. My brother David called this morning to check on us. Oklahoma City made the national news! It’s the worst ice storm in the state’s history. It’s in the 70s in Georgia. They better enjoy their nice weather; this storm will move east and they’ll be cold before too long!
I’m not worried much, about being cold or out of electricity or whatever. It’ll only be for a few days, and I’ve been through this sort of thing before. Plus, it’s not much different from camping. But you know, of all the camping equipment I have, I don’t have a cookstove or anything like that! We always just build a fire, when we camp. That’s what I need to get – some more camping equipment. Such as, an air mattress or two. And a set of binoculars (an inexpensive set, not like the kind my dad had). And a cookstove or something at least to heat water on.
The office was closed yesterday due to the ice storm, and Yukon Schools have been closed today and yesterday. I was doing fine at the house, up until last night about 9:30. I had heat, power, and food, when suddenly the power went out. Thank goodness for that cell phone! Also thank goodness for a small battery-powered radio of Nathan’s.
I lit several candles and found a few games to play on my cell phone. I went to bed about 10:30, and slept fine until about 4:30 when I woke up coughing and hacking. I had to get up to eat and take some of that generic mucinex – cough suppressant and expectorant. I was wide awake, of course, so I read a few chapters of Moby Dick by flashlight.
I was planning to curl up and get some more sleep, but I called in to the employee message line at work, and found that the office is open and we’re scheduled to work today. Boo! So, I got a shower by candlelight – I guess my hot water tank still had enough hot water in it for another shower. Thing is, though, I had no way to dry my hair!
I had a couple bowls of cereal for breakfast, then packed up my straightening iron and curling iron for work, along with lunch, and headed out. My car was parked in the garage to keep it from the ice, and of course the garage door operates by electric. How was I going to open the garage door and get to work? No worries; I figured out how to use the manual release. The builder told me about it when I first moved into the house, but this is the first time I’ve had to use it.
The drive down 39th Street was uneventful. I chose not to take I-40 because it can be so unpredictable, especially in bad weather. The work day has been as normal, except that people are dressed down for the weather (not to mention lack of electricity which means no showers).
It was raining this morning (as it has been most of the day), so the temp must be above 32°. I’ve tried calling my home phone a few times, but the message machine isn’t picking up so I guess the power hasn’t come back on yet. It is going to be so COLD when I get home. My poor cat is probably wondering what’s going on. She has knocked down a ball (Christmas ornament) from our tree and was playing with it like a cat-toy this morning. It was so cute!
I emailed my folks yesterday (while I still had power) and sent them pictures of my plants covered with ice, to let them know what’s going on and that we were fine. My brother David called this morning to check on us. Oklahoma City made the national news! It’s the worst ice storm in the state’s history. It’s in the 70s in Georgia. They better enjoy their nice weather; this storm will move east and they’ll be cold before too long!
I’m not worried much, about being cold or out of electricity or whatever. It’ll only be for a few days, and I’ve been through this sort of thing before. Plus, it’s not much different from camping. But you know, of all the camping equipment I have, I don’t have a cookstove or anything like that! We always just build a fire, when we camp. That’s what I need to get – some more camping equipment. Such as, an air mattress or two. And a set of binoculars (an inexpensive set, not like the kind my dad had). And a cookstove or something at least to heat water on.
Monday, August 31, 2009
My Parents as People
November 26, 2007
Nathan and I returned from our somewhat-annual pilgrimage to Georgia last night about 6:30. I grew up in Georgia and most of my family still lives there. I was so grateful to have Joe at home when I got here, someone to come home to after a long, harrowing drive. He house-sat while I was gone, feeding the cat, getting the mail, keeping the house warm, even installing high-speed internet. And last night he picked up dinner for us at Rib Crib. It was so, so nice to come home to all that rather than, OK, here we are, too tired to unpack or eat.
Nathan and I had a wonderful time while on vacation. One task I set out to accomplish was copying some of Mom’s old pictures, pictures of her & Dad “way back when.” I copied some of Dad’s Air Force pictures and later on when I had the chance, I asked him if he could remember how old he was or about what year they were taken. Well, what do you know, he got so interested in old pictures that he got out Grandma Hedden’s old pictures, some of which date back to the 1920s, 1930s, & 1940s. It was so fun and so interesting; in fact I don’t know when I’ve seen him so happy about ANYTHING (not only that, but I also think that’s the longest amount of time I’ve spent one-on-one with him, EVER in my life).
Mom said he was feeling so much better since his visit to Emory. Hospital in Atlanta, that is. A few years back he when he was hospitalized for severe bleeding that wouldn’t stop, he was told by the doctors that his blood has Factor 8 (clotting agent) but inhibitors kept it from working. This time though, they said he DIDN’T have the inhibitors, and therefore he could receive Factor 8 artificially. Also his Doctor (a lady, I don’t remember her name) is doing a study on hemophiliac patients, and he agreed to be part of the study. So he felt much better, as anyone would, receiving some hope finally.
The pictures of my dad in the Air Force were taken at Lackland AFB in San Antonio in the mid 1950s. He had to have all his teeth removed to get dentures, and he almost bled to death. That's when he discovered he was a bleeder. He was honorably discharged after only 3 months of service.
He and my mom met a few years later in 1957 in Cleveland, OH. My mom was hanging out with her roomate, Victoria, and my dad showed up with his buddy too. That is pretty much all I know about their first meeting, except that my mom loved living on her own in Cleveland, and can still, 50 years later, describe the streets and buildings and sights in detail.
When I looked thru Mom’s pictures, by contrast she was all sad and depressed and full of bad memories. I asked her if she had good memories of ANYTHING, and she said No. That’s too bad, and I feel for her, but Let me have this! Let me enjoy getting to know my parents as PEOPLE and not just as the folks that raised me.
Another task I accomplished during our visit was trekking up to Murphy, NC, to see the house. The house my dad grew up in, that is. It’s not really his house; his only surviving brother and sister, my aunt and uncle, actually own the property now. I visited it countless times as a child, and specifically remember a family reunion there when I was about 12 years old.
And it's still there. Daddy told me later, that his Grandma Hedden’s dad, the Evans’, got the land in the Land Lottery when President Jackson expelled the Cherokees to the West in the infamous Trail of Tears. That was 1838. Wow, it’s been in the family ever since.
Nathan and I returned from our somewhat-annual pilgrimage to Georgia last night about 6:30. I grew up in Georgia and most of my family still lives there. I was so grateful to have Joe at home when I got here, someone to come home to after a long, harrowing drive. He house-sat while I was gone, feeding the cat, getting the mail, keeping the house warm, even installing high-speed internet. And last night he picked up dinner for us at Rib Crib. It was so, so nice to come home to all that rather than, OK, here we are, too tired to unpack or eat.
Nathan and I had a wonderful time while on vacation. One task I set out to accomplish was copying some of Mom’s old pictures, pictures of her & Dad “way back when.” I copied some of Dad’s Air Force pictures and later on when I had the chance, I asked him if he could remember how old he was or about what year they were taken. Well, what do you know, he got so interested in old pictures that he got out Grandma Hedden’s old pictures, some of which date back to the 1920s, 1930s, & 1940s. It was so fun and so interesting; in fact I don’t know when I’ve seen him so happy about ANYTHING (not only that, but I also think that’s the longest amount of time I’ve spent one-on-one with him, EVER in my life).
Mom said he was feeling so much better since his visit to Emory. Hospital in Atlanta, that is. A few years back he when he was hospitalized for severe bleeding that wouldn’t stop, he was told by the doctors that his blood has Factor 8 (clotting agent) but inhibitors kept it from working. This time though, they said he DIDN’T have the inhibitors, and therefore he could receive Factor 8 artificially. Also his Doctor (a lady, I don’t remember her name) is doing a study on hemophiliac patients, and he agreed to be part of the study. So he felt much better, as anyone would, receiving some hope finally.
The pictures of my dad in the Air Force were taken at Lackland AFB in San Antonio in the mid 1950s. He had to have all his teeth removed to get dentures, and he almost bled to death. That's when he discovered he was a bleeder. He was honorably discharged after only 3 months of service.
He and my mom met a few years later in 1957 in Cleveland, OH. My mom was hanging out with her roomate, Victoria, and my dad showed up with his buddy too. That is pretty much all I know about their first meeting, except that my mom loved living on her own in Cleveland, and can still, 50 years later, describe the streets and buildings and sights in detail.
When I looked thru Mom’s pictures, by contrast she was all sad and depressed and full of bad memories. I asked her if she had good memories of ANYTHING, and she said No. That’s too bad, and I feel for her, but Let me have this! Let me enjoy getting to know my parents as PEOPLE and not just as the folks that raised me.
Another task I accomplished during our visit was trekking up to Murphy, NC, to see the house. The house my dad grew up in, that is. It’s not really his house; his only surviving brother and sister, my aunt and uncle, actually own the property now. I visited it countless times as a child, and specifically remember a family reunion there when I was about 12 years old.
And it's still there. Daddy told me later, that his Grandma Hedden’s dad, the Evans’, got the land in the Land Lottery when President Jackson expelled the Cherokees to the West in the infamous Trail of Tears. That was 1838. Wow, it’s been in the family ever since.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Missing Mom
November 7, 2007
Last night I got a call from Nathan’s science teacher, Mrs. Roberts. She was concerned not just about Nathan getting his work in late (which is nothing new), but the work he is doing is vague and disconnected. Like he’s not even trying. I had noticed that his work has been a very poor quality lately.
I got him to talking, in a roundabout way, and I believe he’s missing Mom. Feeling left out. I had wondered if it was because Joe is spending so much time with us now, but I don’t think it has anything to do with him per se. I think he just wants more time with Mom. Weird, I had thought that since he’s getting older and pushing me away, that he DIDN’T want much time with me. Turns out to be the opposite.
Monday night we did his math homework together, after which I had him choose Charlotte’s Web or The Trumpet of the Swan, and read a chapter. He needs to read more. He’s so far behind in his reading class. Last night I had him read a chapter, then I wanted him to begin a journal. He designed a car then labeled the parts. Well, that’s something. Some sort of creative expression.
He asked me to read to him as he fell asleep. He hasn’t asked me to do that in ages. Up until he was 8, I’d give him his bath then read to him. Then sometimes he’d ask me to read him a chapter at bedtime. That slacked off, and now I remember that I was always “too tired.” Well, I’ll just have to start back doing that. We’d read about Ramona Quimby, Junie B. Jones, Bionicles, and Jack & Annie and the Magic Treehouse. I read a book we got from the CBOMC (Children's Book of the Month Club), The Incredible Journey of Edward Tulane, I believe was the name. It's about a toy bunny that gets lost from his owner, a little girl, and is tossed here and there and there and here, until he finally finds a home with a new little girl. I read the whole thing to myself last night, then read a chapter to him. I can start reading him a chapter every night.
Both nights, I kept the TV off. Quiet time. We need to have more quiet time.
Last night I got a call from Nathan’s science teacher, Mrs. Roberts. She was concerned not just about Nathan getting his work in late (which is nothing new), but the work he is doing is vague and disconnected. Like he’s not even trying. I had noticed that his work has been a very poor quality lately.
I got him to talking, in a roundabout way, and I believe he’s missing Mom. Feeling left out. I had wondered if it was because Joe is spending so much time with us now, but I don’t think it has anything to do with him per se. I think he just wants more time with Mom. Weird, I had thought that since he’s getting older and pushing me away, that he DIDN’T want much time with me. Turns out to be the opposite.
Monday night we did his math homework together, after which I had him choose Charlotte’s Web or The Trumpet of the Swan, and read a chapter. He needs to read more. He’s so far behind in his reading class. Last night I had him read a chapter, then I wanted him to begin a journal. He designed a car then labeled the parts. Well, that’s something. Some sort of creative expression.
He asked me to read to him as he fell asleep. He hasn’t asked me to do that in ages. Up until he was 8, I’d give him his bath then read to him. Then sometimes he’d ask me to read him a chapter at bedtime. That slacked off, and now I remember that I was always “too tired.” Well, I’ll just have to start back doing that. We’d read about Ramona Quimby, Junie B. Jones, Bionicles, and Jack & Annie and the Magic Treehouse. I read a book we got from the CBOMC (Children's Book of the Month Club), The Incredible Journey of Edward Tulane, I believe was the name. It's about a toy bunny that gets lost from his owner, a little girl, and is tossed here and there and there and here, until he finally finds a home with a new little girl. I read the whole thing to myself last night, then read a chapter to him. I can start reading him a chapter every night.
Both nights, I kept the TV off. Quiet time. We need to have more quiet time.
Conversations with The Girls
November 6, 2007
Occasionally I meet girlfriends for lunch, or dinner and a show. Most of my girlfriends are the strong, professional, independent-minded type, much like myself. The conversations can get interesting. And, having 40 years of life-experience behind me, I generally have a unique perspective on these conversations.
I met Rebecca and Kate for lunch today at the Magnolia Café. I had a Magnolia Burger – yum, it was a different sort of burger and was very good. Made of very lean meat on focaccia bread, the burger was topped with a slice of provolone cheese, a slice or two of roasted tomato, and spring mix (instead of lettuce). It may have also had a sauce, but I don’t recall it. Very different; I would definitely try it again.
Anyway, Rebecca mentioned that someone she met on a recent vacation had said that the average credit card debt per person is $75,000. I think she heard wrong; $75,000 is a bit extreme. I’ve heard $7,500. I don’t even remember now what prompted the conversation. Kate said she’d heard it was $8,000, “which is more believable,” she said, “but still incomprehensible.”
I said, Oh no it’s not. Not as much as you think. She said that even with a $1,000 balance, just look at the finance charges. They both went on to state emphatically how that finance charges are simply unacceptable and that they keep their balances paid off. I thought, a body is lucky if they can do that and not get caught in a trap beyond his control. Many people do get caught in things out of their control. I have heard several times of frugal, responsible people who divorce a not-so-frugal-and-responsible spouse and are forced to take the liability for half the spouse's debt. Joe, for instance.
Besides, not everyone who has a credit card balance uses credit for unnecessary wants. I have been guilty myself, of carrying waaayy too much credit card debt. I can't blame anyone but myself, but in all honesty there were times after I separated and moved out on my own, that we would not have had groceries in the apartment if I didn't buy some with my credit card. It was a tough time, going from splitting rent and utilities with my husband, to paying for everything on my own with no corresponding increase in salary.
My point is, don't judge people, because you don't know their circumstances.
Here's another trip but with a different topic of conversation, On a recent girlie-trip to Tulsa to see the Ballet one Sunday, Rebecca asked each of us if we could choose one age in our life to stay forever, what would it be. And it had to be that age as it was then, not “knowing what I know now.” I couldn’t answer that one.
I have the feeling that Rebecca has never really endured many trials in her life and has never been truly unhappy. I, on the other hand, couldn’t think of any age I would go back to, as it was at the time. I can’t think of one age where I was truly HAPPY. I mean, before my 40s. And, I’ve learned so many things and grown so much just in the past ten years: getting my accounting degree and becoming a CPA, buying a house, leaving an unhappy marriage, dating again… I’d never want to go back to being naïve like I was [in the beforetime]. I certainly would not choose any period in my life from about age 25 forward, to live forever.
After giving it a lot of thought, I’d have to say 8 or 10, or maybe younger. Definitely before the teen years, before I knew what depression and unhappiness were. Before I knew what peer pressure was. Before I realized that I was different and not as attractive as the other girls. Before I came to the knowledge that other girls had nicer clothes. Before I discovered that boys liked only the pretty girls who wore those nicer clothes. Before I found out that other girls went to parties that I didn't get invited to. Before I knew enough to feel lonely, left out, unloved, insecure.
My second choice would have to be my early years at college, about age 19-20. Those were fun times; I met lots of new people and made lots of new friends, some I hoped would last a lifetime. Life was just beginning to open up to me and I found out that there is a whole world of opportunities out there just waiting to be experienced. But even so, I would never want to go back to being who I was then. I had overcome a lot of my shyness but I was still very insecure and had a lot of emotional maturity to learn.
With age has come much wisdom. This is 40 in Real Life.
Occasionally I meet girlfriends for lunch, or dinner and a show. Most of my girlfriends are the strong, professional, independent-minded type, much like myself. The conversations can get interesting. And, having 40 years of life-experience behind me, I generally have a unique perspective on these conversations.
I met Rebecca and Kate for lunch today at the Magnolia Café. I had a Magnolia Burger – yum, it was a different sort of burger and was very good. Made of very lean meat on focaccia bread, the burger was topped with a slice of provolone cheese, a slice or two of roasted tomato, and spring mix (instead of lettuce). It may have also had a sauce, but I don’t recall it. Very different; I would definitely try it again.
Anyway, Rebecca mentioned that someone she met on a recent vacation had said that the average credit card debt per person is $75,000. I think she heard wrong; $75,000 is a bit extreme. I’ve heard $7,500. I don’t even remember now what prompted the conversation. Kate said she’d heard it was $8,000, “which is more believable,” she said, “but still incomprehensible.”
I said, Oh no it’s not. Not as much as you think. She said that even with a $1,000 balance, just look at the finance charges. They both went on to state emphatically how that finance charges are simply unacceptable and that they keep their balances paid off. I thought, a body is lucky if they can do that and not get caught in a trap beyond his control. Many people do get caught in things out of their control. I have heard several times of frugal, responsible people who divorce a not-so-frugal-and-responsible spouse and are forced to take the liability for half the spouse's debt. Joe, for instance.
Besides, not everyone who has a credit card balance uses credit for unnecessary wants. I have been guilty myself, of carrying waaayy too much credit card debt. I can't blame anyone but myself, but in all honesty there were times after I separated and moved out on my own, that we would not have had groceries in the apartment if I didn't buy some with my credit card. It was a tough time, going from splitting rent and utilities with my husband, to paying for everything on my own with no corresponding increase in salary.
My point is, don't judge people, because you don't know their circumstances.
Here's another trip but with a different topic of conversation, On a recent girlie-trip to Tulsa to see the Ballet one Sunday, Rebecca asked each of us if we could choose one age in our life to stay forever, what would it be. And it had to be that age as it was then, not “knowing what I know now.” I couldn’t answer that one.
I have the feeling that Rebecca has never really endured many trials in her life and has never been truly unhappy. I, on the other hand, couldn’t think of any age I would go back to, as it was at the time. I can’t think of one age where I was truly HAPPY. I mean, before my 40s. And, I’ve learned so many things and grown so much just in the past ten years: getting my accounting degree and becoming a CPA, buying a house, leaving an unhappy marriage, dating again… I’d never want to go back to being naïve like I was [in the beforetime]. I certainly would not choose any period in my life from about age 25 forward, to live forever.
After giving it a lot of thought, I’d have to say 8 or 10, or maybe younger. Definitely before the teen years, before I knew what depression and unhappiness were. Before I knew what peer pressure was. Before I realized that I was different and not as attractive as the other girls. Before I came to the knowledge that other girls had nicer clothes. Before I discovered that boys liked only the pretty girls who wore those nicer clothes. Before I found out that other girls went to parties that I didn't get invited to. Before I knew enough to feel lonely, left out, unloved, insecure.
My second choice would have to be my early years at college, about age 19-20. Those were fun times; I met lots of new people and made lots of new friends, some I hoped would last a lifetime. Life was just beginning to open up to me and I found out that there is a whole world of opportunities out there just waiting to be experienced. But even so, I would never want to go back to being who I was then. I had overcome a lot of my shyness but I was still very insecure and had a lot of emotional maturity to learn.
With age has come much wisdom. This is 40 in Real Life.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Halloween and Religion
October 19, 2007
I can't believe it's nearly Halloween already! Our department at work is going to do "Alice in Wonderland." Fun idea, but it's been so long since I've even seen that movie, I can hardly remember any of the details. Debra and I are going to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Kathryn is going to be the Rabbit, Pamela is dressing as Alice, and Louise wants to be the Mad Hatter. If the guys will consent we want to dress them up as playing cards.
Joe and I are going to a Halloween party Friday the 26th, and I think I might try to do Evan Almighty. I'd just need a man's suit from the thrift store, fake hair and beard, white paint for bird poop, and pairs of little plastic animals hot-glued to the suit. It's an idea, anyway. Nathan says he just wants to give out candy this year. I think that's a good idea; we never eat all the candy he gets anyway! We still have a bowlful left over from last year and probably most of it needs thrown out.
We got into a discussion last night -- and I thought I'd told him all this already -- about how I and my siblings never had Christmas, birthday parties, trick-or-treating, even Easter. We started out talking about childhood toys (the earliest toys I remember were my teddy bear named Georgie Porgie, and my dolly named Thumbkins), then I said how my mother made those stuffed animals for us when we were young: Timothy, a purple elephant with yellow ears; Wanda, a red elephant with pink ears; me, Tuffy the Tooth; Sabrina & Melissa, that yellow giraffe they called "Mr. Mooney."
I said that she was quite creative in her day; she made curtains for that bookcase that we fashioned from an old dresser. She made appliqués from cookie-cutters and stitched them to the curtains. "Stars, hearts, gingerbread men, bells," I began, and Joe mentioned "Christmas trees..." I said, "Oh, no. We had nothing to do with Christmas trees. Those were PAGAN."
That's how the whole conversation started. He was dumbfounded with disbelief. "Really? REALLY? Wow. " he'd say. I told him we kept the Passover and the feasts and the holy days outlined in the Old Testament. So then he thought that we disregarded the New Testament. No, I said, we believed that even the NT Christians kept the OT holy days (at least that's how I understood it).
We talk pretty openly about religion. He asked me what I thought of his mom's church. It's a Baptist church; we went a couple months ago for the "going away" service/dinner for their pastor of 7 years. It was a small congregation, maybe 50-75 people, and it was mostly elderly people; not many teens or young couples with children. So that's what I said: "Seems like it's mostly elderly people that go to church anymore." His response: "They're studying for the Final Exam." Haha, how witty.
I can't believe it's nearly Halloween already! Our department at work is going to do "Alice in Wonderland." Fun idea, but it's been so long since I've even seen that movie, I can hardly remember any of the details. Debra and I are going to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Kathryn is going to be the Rabbit, Pamela is dressing as Alice, and Louise wants to be the Mad Hatter. If the guys will consent we want to dress them up as playing cards.
Joe and I are going to a Halloween party Friday the 26th, and I think I might try to do Evan Almighty. I'd just need a man's suit from the thrift store, fake hair and beard, white paint for bird poop, and pairs of little plastic animals hot-glued to the suit. It's an idea, anyway. Nathan says he just wants to give out candy this year. I think that's a good idea; we never eat all the candy he gets anyway! We still have a bowlful left over from last year and probably most of it needs thrown out.
We got into a discussion last night -- and I thought I'd told him all this already -- about how I and my siblings never had Christmas, birthday parties, trick-or-treating, even Easter. We started out talking about childhood toys (the earliest toys I remember were my teddy bear named Georgie Porgie, and my dolly named Thumbkins), then I said how my mother made those stuffed animals for us when we were young: Timothy, a purple elephant with yellow ears; Wanda, a red elephant with pink ears; me, Tuffy the Tooth; Sabrina & Melissa, that yellow giraffe they called "Mr. Mooney."
I said that she was quite creative in her day; she made curtains for that bookcase that we fashioned from an old dresser. She made appliqués from cookie-cutters and stitched them to the curtains. "Stars, hearts, gingerbread men, bells," I began, and Joe mentioned "Christmas trees..." I said, "Oh, no. We had nothing to do with Christmas trees. Those were PAGAN."
That's how the whole conversation started. He was dumbfounded with disbelief. "Really? REALLY? Wow. " he'd say. I told him we kept the Passover and the feasts and the holy days outlined in the Old Testament. So then he thought that we disregarded the New Testament. No, I said, we believed that even the NT Christians kept the OT holy days (at least that's how I understood it).
We talk pretty openly about religion. He asked me what I thought of his mom's church. It's a Baptist church; we went a couple months ago for the "going away" service/dinner for their pastor of 7 years. It was a small congregation, maybe 50-75 people, and it was mostly elderly people; not many teens or young couples with children. So that's what I said: "Seems like it's mostly elderly people that go to church anymore." His response: "They're studying for the Final Exam." Haha, how witty.
Past the Honeymoon Stage
October 15, 2007
Friday Joe and I went to our friend Sam's 40th birthday party, at the American Legion Hall in Edmond. It was fun – lots of food, all the friends, we even had karaoke. I got to feeling a little crowded in, which I should have expected. I can't stand to be around a lot of people, I get claustrophobic in crowds.
But also, I was frustrated that Joe was sitting so close to me that I could hardly move my chair back to get up when I needed to. He can be a tad clingy. I wanted to tell him to “scoot over!!” But I didn’t want to be rude, especially in front of so many people. He kept saying, Are you OK, do you want this, do you need that. And I just wanted him to leave me alone and quit babying me.
It’s in his nature to be a caretaker, and most of the time I love and need the attention. But sometimes it drives me nuts how he feels he has to come to my rescue every time he hears a peep from me. I am not helpless. I am a grown woman! Then finally I just had to go outside and be by myself. Wouldn’t you know it, he followed me out there. He needs to be needed. And I need breathing space.
So I think I’m moving past the honeymoon stage. Don’t know about him, but my attitude is changing. I’m getting to where I don’t want him around as much. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, just means times are changing. When I said Nathan and I would be driving out to Georgia to visit my relatives for Thanksgiving, his response was, "What am I going to do without you for a week?” And I’m like, get over it. You’re a grownup. I'm not your entertainment coordinator.
Am I growing out of him already? Sure as the world, I’m not compromising my standards or changing my values in life for him. But – it’s still early. I've known him for a mere six months. I can’t look at only what I want to see, I have to see what’s really there. And that takes time.
Friday Joe and I went to our friend Sam's 40th birthday party, at the American Legion Hall in Edmond. It was fun – lots of food, all the friends, we even had karaoke. I got to feeling a little crowded in, which I should have expected. I can't stand to be around a lot of people, I get claustrophobic in crowds.
But also, I was frustrated that Joe was sitting so close to me that I could hardly move my chair back to get up when I needed to. He can be a tad clingy. I wanted to tell him to “scoot over!!” But I didn’t want to be rude, especially in front of so many people. He kept saying, Are you OK, do you want this, do you need that. And I just wanted him to leave me alone and quit babying me.
It’s in his nature to be a caretaker, and most of the time I love and need the attention. But sometimes it drives me nuts how he feels he has to come to my rescue every time he hears a peep from me. I am not helpless. I am a grown woman! Then finally I just had to go outside and be by myself. Wouldn’t you know it, he followed me out there. He needs to be needed. And I need breathing space.
So I think I’m moving past the honeymoon stage. Don’t know about him, but my attitude is changing. I’m getting to where I don’t want him around as much. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, just means times are changing. When I said Nathan and I would be driving out to Georgia to visit my relatives for Thanksgiving, his response was, "What am I going to do without you for a week?” And I’m like, get over it. You’re a grownup. I'm not your entertainment coordinator.
Am I growing out of him already? Sure as the world, I’m not compromising my standards or changing my values in life for him. But – it’s still early. I've known him for a mere six months. I can’t look at only what I want to see, I have to see what’s really there. And that takes time.
Competing with 4 Other Women
October 3, 2007
Good news, Joe gets his LES’s tomorrow. Those are basically his pay stubs from the military. His ex-wife (his first one, that is) is trying to claim child support from BEFORE they were even divorced. He paid support from the divorce up until 1997, when she “disappeared off the face of the earth,” as he puts it.
In June of this year he located her & their daughter, and thought everything was going just fine, until she slapped him with nearly 10 years of back-child support. He’s fighting it. At this point he’s not even sure the daughter is his. He said they were together 4 weeks out of 5 years of marriage, and that she conceived almost as soon as they were married. He said she sure got pregnant awfully fast, for them not being together any more than they were.
They married in Oklahoma, and she refused to move to San Diego with him. She wanted to stay near her mother. She never even made a trip to visit him. So anyway, he’s wanting a DNA test. The social worker said that paternity’s already been established, but I’d like to know how. A name on a birth certificate doesn’t mean anything. [We found out later that according to Oklahoma law, if a child is born within wedlock, then said child is YOURS, regardless of who the biological parents are.]
What if he does wind up paying thousands in back-support? I mean, what about us? He’s already paying $900 a month to his other ex-wife for child support. I was shocked, as it is, to find out he'd been married TWICE. He’s staying with his mother, doesn’t have a home of his own, and I’m sure he helps her out (his stepmother too) financially (as a good son should).
So, no way am I supporting a guy who’s already supporting 4 other women. I’d love for him to live at my house, one day in the future. But I can’t depend on how much he’d be able to contribute to the joint finances. This is maddening. I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to begin merging our lives. But that may not be a possibility.
And what about the moms? They are both widowed and depend on him being there, being the “man of the house.” I asked him last night if they were jealous of the new woman in his life. “A skosh,” he said, which is a colloquialism for "a tad." It's hard for me to comprehend a woman in her 60s depending on her son so much that she is jealous of his new girlfriend.
But then, he is his mom’s only son and practically his stepmom’s only kid who helps her out and gives her any respect. I come from a family of 6 kids, and we each have our own lives. Plus, my mom learned long ago to be independent and “get things done” herself. Myself as well, I’m used to doing everything myself.
It’s hard for me to comprehend a woman who isn’t capable of doing things herself. But then again, Joe's mom and stepmom are of a different generation, one where the man generally “takes care” of things. Anyway, you’d think they’d be happy that he’s met a good woman who loves him dearly and has a good head on her shoulders – not like his ex-wives.
Good news, Joe gets his LES’s tomorrow. Those are basically his pay stubs from the military. His ex-wife (his first one, that is) is trying to claim child support from BEFORE they were even divorced. He paid support from the divorce up until 1997, when she “disappeared off the face of the earth,” as he puts it.
In June of this year he located her & their daughter, and thought everything was going just fine, until she slapped him with nearly 10 years of back-child support. He’s fighting it. At this point he’s not even sure the daughter is his. He said they were together 4 weeks out of 5 years of marriage, and that she conceived almost as soon as they were married. He said she sure got pregnant awfully fast, for them not being together any more than they were.
They married in Oklahoma, and she refused to move to San Diego with him. She wanted to stay near her mother. She never even made a trip to visit him. So anyway, he’s wanting a DNA test. The social worker said that paternity’s already been established, but I’d like to know how. A name on a birth certificate doesn’t mean anything. [We found out later that according to Oklahoma law, if a child is born within wedlock, then said child is YOURS, regardless of who the biological parents are.]
What if he does wind up paying thousands in back-support? I mean, what about us? He’s already paying $900 a month to his other ex-wife for child support. I was shocked, as it is, to find out he'd been married TWICE. He’s staying with his mother, doesn’t have a home of his own, and I’m sure he helps her out (his stepmother too) financially (as a good son should).
So, no way am I supporting a guy who’s already supporting 4 other women. I’d love for him to live at my house, one day in the future. But I can’t depend on how much he’d be able to contribute to the joint finances. This is maddening. I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to begin merging our lives. But that may not be a possibility.
And what about the moms? They are both widowed and depend on him being there, being the “man of the house.” I asked him last night if they were jealous of the new woman in his life. “A skosh,” he said, which is a colloquialism for "a tad." It's hard for me to comprehend a woman in her 60s depending on her son so much that she is jealous of his new girlfriend.
But then, he is his mom’s only son and practically his stepmom’s only kid who helps her out and gives her any respect. I come from a family of 6 kids, and we each have our own lives. Plus, my mom learned long ago to be independent and “get things done” herself. Myself as well, I’m used to doing everything myself.
It’s hard for me to comprehend a woman who isn’t capable of doing things herself. But then again, Joe's mom and stepmom are of a different generation, one where the man generally “takes care” of things. Anyway, you’d think they’d be happy that he’s met a good woman who loves him dearly and has a good head on her shoulders – not like his ex-wives.
What's Going On Out There
September 26, 2007
Sure, I won't deny it. I spend quite a bit of time on the internet at work, during my down-time. Most of what I read relates to work, careers, the economy, the business world – I think it makes me a better employee because it keeps me abreast of what’s going on “out there.” And who knows when I’m going to stumble on an idea or concept that could have an impact on our department or our business?
I just read an article on Gen Y’ers – I’ve read many of them; I enjoy pondering on the world my son will one day enter. I enjoy studying the different attitudes the different generations have. According to what I’ve read, Generation Y expects their parents to be involved in every part of their life – including recruiting and job interviews. I think that’s crazy. A generation of people who can’t make decisions without mommie or daddie.
Many from my generation (Gen X) are the same way. And the parents let them. I get it, the parents don’t want their kids to go thru the hardships they did. I feel the same way about Nathan. I want to take what opportunity I can to prepare him for adulthood. But, that includes encouraging him to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and to learn to “deal” without my holding his hand. Let him make his own decisions and be responsible for the outcome.
Sure, I won't deny it. I spend quite a bit of time on the internet at work, during my down-time. Most of what I read relates to work, careers, the economy, the business world – I think it makes me a better employee because it keeps me abreast of what’s going on “out there.” And who knows when I’m going to stumble on an idea or concept that could have an impact on our department or our business?
I just read an article on Gen Y’ers – I’ve read many of them; I enjoy pondering on the world my son will one day enter. I enjoy studying the different attitudes the different generations have. According to what I’ve read, Generation Y expects their parents to be involved in every part of their life – including recruiting and job interviews. I think that’s crazy. A generation of people who can’t make decisions without mommie or daddie.
Many from my generation (Gen X) are the same way. And the parents let them. I get it, the parents don’t want their kids to go thru the hardships they did. I feel the same way about Nathan. I want to take what opportunity I can to prepare him for adulthood. But, that includes encouraging him to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and to learn to “deal” without my holding his hand. Let him make his own decisions and be responsible for the outcome.
"Gotta Have A Man" Syndrome
Later, same day
I was reading “Single in the Suburbs” on MSN.com again today. It's a feature-blog about this 40-something divorced lady trying to get back into the dating game after 20 years of marriage. I wonder how much of it is actually true, and how much is just story-telling. Because, if what she says is actually true, that woman is a LOS – ER!
She’s upset that her ex-husband’s life insurance premium is still coming out of her checking account, and she called him to make a deposit to cover it AND the overdraft fee. I agree with that. But he’s arguing with her saying she should have a “cushion” so that she wouldn't have to worry about the occasional expense that will come up.
She said that when she was married she never had to check her bank balance and had no problem at all writing checks for big-ticket items because her husband always kept a healthy cushion in their account. She’d always heard of people living paycheck to paycheck but never thought she’d be one of them. She’s complaining that she can no longer afford a housekeeper and has to do all the house cleaning herself; she can no longer afford to get her nails done; and I don’t remember what else. Well, welcome to the real world!
I am betting that very few average, normal, everyday 40-something moms (single or otherwise) have such luxuries. Most of us have to carefully budget our expenses to make sure our money lasts. And what's wrong with doing your own nails? Why not clean your own house and even *gasp!* have your teenage daughter help? No, she just wants a man around to support her so that she won't have to worry about such trivialities.
In one post she was considering pursuing a man she wasn't even attracted to, for no other reason than that he had a lot of money and he'd be able to take care of her financially. Respect yourself, girlfriend!
Makes me want to write my own “single” column, from someone dealing with REAL issues. This woman symbolizes the epitome of the “gotta have a man” syndrome that permeates single-woman society these days. She’s sacrificing her self-respect just to have a man in her life, because she doesn’t know how to live without one. I have little respect for a woman like that.
Eating Out
September 25, 2007
One day last week Joe and I tried Primo’s, a new restaurant in Yukon. An Italian place. Although the service wasn’t that great, the food was quite good. We had the complimentary bread with olive oil & balsamic vinegar with our pre-dinner drinks. I couldn’t resist ordering the bruschetta for an appetizer. It’s one of my favorite dishes no matter where I go. We both ordered prime rib for our entrees, which came with mashed potatoes – red potatoes, smashed up. They weren’t creamy as with milk and butter, but were dry as if they’d been steamed then simply taken out of the pot, mashed up, and put on a plate – the way I like them. I mixed some of my horseradish sauce in them, and they were quite tasty.
Joe is so spoiling me. He says that’s his job! Isn’t that what a boyfriend’s supposed to do, he once asked? I said I didn’t know. I haven’t had many boyfriends who are worth much. I’ve always craved attention – lots of it. I’ve always needed lots of deep affection, but never got it. From my parents, friends, even from my first husband. I think my deep need for attention and validation was a big reason I had such a difficult time with relationships. But Joe gives me what I need. It’s nice to have a boyfriend treat me once in a while, instead of me doing everything and paying for everything by myself.
It’s also nice to be able to eat at nice places and actually enjoy the menu. Growing up, we “ate out” at the Waffle House and the local Truck Stop. At home, my mother fixed the same foods over and over, out of necessity. She didn't get much chance to try new recipes. My father liked only particular foods and she had to fix what he liked. That was just the way it was.
Still, we got to enjoy eating out at the convention we attended with our church each year. But even then I remember having to always stick with the basics, the plainer and less-expensive foods because we “couldn’t afford” the good stuff. You know, the better, tastier, snazzier menu items. There were always so many things on the menu I wanted to order, but I had to keep my expenditures within a budget. Now, with Joe spoiling me so much, it’s hard NOT to eat what I want when I can. And it’s showing.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
To Be a Writer
August 27, 2007
Yes! I want to be a writer. Years ago in my late teens or early twenties, before I chose accounting as a career, I sort of halfway checked into freelance writing. I don’t think I would have been very successful at that time – I didn’t have the experience or insights that I have now. Also I didn’t have the confidence. But now… I got on the internet to find out what I could about freelance writing jobs. Here’s what I found:
Advantages and disadvantages of freelance writing. Of course the main advantage is that you can work when you want and set your own schedule and not be locked into an 8-5 workday, but conversely the main disadvantage is that the work isn’t steady and you don’t have the comfort of paid vacations and health plans.
Top 5 personality traits of freelance writers: Loner. I’ve been a loner all my life! And love it. Self-motivated. I’ve always been self-motivated, no one has to tell me how to reach my goals. Doggedly determined? I’m a CPA, aren’t I? Mental multi-tasker. I multitask all the time. Persistent. I’ve always been persistent when something is important to me.
Another list names the top 5 periodical markets for your articles. This is a great place to start. The more I read, the more information I’d get in my head, and the more opinions and subjects I could expound on. And you know, if people will watch those sappy reality shows, or read the garbage the tabloids write, or heck, if Sara Katz can have her own column on MSN Dating & Personals (her stuff is no better than anything of mine), I KNOW people will read my work.
Yes! I want to be a writer. Years ago in my late teens or early twenties, before I chose accounting as a career, I sort of halfway checked into freelance writing. I don’t think I would have been very successful at that time – I didn’t have the experience or insights that I have now. Also I didn’t have the confidence. But now… I got on the internet to find out what I could about freelance writing jobs. Here’s what I found:
Advantages and disadvantages of freelance writing. Of course the main advantage is that you can work when you want and set your own schedule and not be locked into an 8-5 workday, but conversely the main disadvantage is that the work isn’t steady and you don’t have the comfort of paid vacations and health plans.
Top 5 personality traits of freelance writers: Loner. I’ve been a loner all my life! And love it. Self-motivated. I’ve always been self-motivated, no one has to tell me how to reach my goals. Doggedly determined? I’m a CPA, aren’t I? Mental multi-tasker. I multitask all the time. Persistent. I’ve always been persistent when something is important to me.
Another list names the top 5 periodical markets for your articles. This is a great place to start. The more I read, the more information I’d get in my head, and the more opinions and subjects I could expound on. And you know, if people will watch those sappy reality shows, or read the garbage the tabloids write, or heck, if Sara Katz can have her own column on MSN Dating & Personals (her stuff is no better than anything of mine), I KNOW people will read my work.
41 and Contemplating a Career Turn
August 9, 2007
Friday is my birthday; I’ll be 41. Nathan, Joe, and I have tickets to see Once on This Island at the Civic Center. For dinner I want to try Cheeseburger in Paradise up on Memorial Road. I didn’t realize this (although I should have) but it’s owned by Jimmy Buffet.
I found their website on the internet and printed out a menu…it looks like such a fun place to visit. I thought it would fit in nicely with the “island” theme. We should all dress tropical for the evening. Normally for the Civic Center I like to dress a little more formally, but this time I’d like to dress for the theme. And I definitely should take the camera and get a few pictures of all of us with the tropical background.
We spent the weekend in Broken Bow, camping and canoeing the Lower Mountain Fork. It was a good trip overall, but I’m glad it’s over. That canoeing for 9 miles wears your arms out. Not even to mention the sun…it’s wise to keep lots of high-power sunscreen handy. We did see lots of wildlife; a raccoon visited our campsite Friday evening. Joe fought a water moccasin from our canoe Saturday near the end of the trip. I’d like to camp out again sometime when we aren’t on a schedule, and just spend the evenings by the campfire.
I think my career needs a change of pace. What I'd really like to do is write, but I'd like to combine that with the nearly-20 years I've spent in the accounting business. I could submit something to CPA Focus, a bi-monthly publication from the Oklahoma Society of CPAs. Something on Statutory Accounting – a primer, maybe, on basic GAAP vs. STAT concepts. Statutory accounting is a niche-market and it's nearly impossible to find literature on the subject. Or, issues facing the industry. Impairments, that is, impaired securities? That’s a hot topic in our office right now, with all the volatility in the stock market. Reinsurance? Or even a bit about a general business-related topic, something applicable to anyone and not just accountants.
A good starting point would be to begin reading up on magazines and current events, mainly the business news. Wall Street plunged 400 points today. Fuel prices have skyrocketed in the past year or so, but have actually dropped recently to $2.50 per gallon for unleaded. Now milk – it’s up to $4 a gallon!! That’s outrageous! The mortgage market is dimming; people aren’t buying as many houses as they were a few years ago.
One idea is to submit a piece our trip to Minneapolis for the IASA Conference, to our company's monthly newsletter. Another is one I have personal experience in, and that is an article on working-mom CPAs. Then I could do a follow-up of working-dad CPAs. I need to keep my eyes and ears and mind open to ideas on what to write about. They could come from anywhere.
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